The Washington Football Team is messing with us. Nine months after surrendering the team's Redskins name since 1933, a ridiculous list of non-starters is the best team officials could do?
Surely, the team is punking fans into thinking there's real research into picking a new name when finalists were likely known from the start. Season-ticket holders were asked their preferences in an email on Wednesday, like Griffins, Swifts, Rising, Rubies, Pilots, Commanders, Renegades, Presidents, Wild Hogs, Capital City Football Club, Riders, Aviators, Ambassadors and Monarchs. Surely, this is smoke and mirrors.
The problem with giving the public a choice is Abe Pollin swore he'd accept a fans' poll and crazy people picked Sea Dogs long before internet bots. Now Pollin was forced to pick another option in Wizards, which is a stupid name. That's right, 24 years later it's still dumb. Did Abe think Washington was filled with magical people? They've been hiding from us.
Washington Griffins? Potentially cool logo, but the NFL already has Eagles and Lions and you can't combine both. Monarchs – are we talking kings or butterflies?
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The Washington Armada? The team is now the Pirates of the Potomac? They must really want that moat sketched around the proposed stadium. This might explain why multi-generational locals say War-shington, though.
The Wayfarers? Are they sucking up to Under Armour for a stadium naming deal over shoes since wayfarers walk so much? If I have to explain the joke, that means I have to explain the name and that's way too much for drunken fans to process. Was the Traveling Wilburys taken?
Seriously, team president Jason Wright found some focus group that came up with Wayfarers? I dare the team to bring these people forward so they can be driven from our lands.
The finalists should be Warriors, Wolves or Redwolves. Don't fear anti-Redskins haters who claim Warriors is also cultural appropriation, because warriors have been a fighting term since the age of spears and rocks. Washington is a military town. It's a good fit.
Wolves is cleaner than Redwolves. Either way, fans are howling from the stands. N.C. State is the Wolfpack and the deafening howls at basketball games is a show. There's something cathartic about howling while the team is getting embarrassed. It makes $12 beers go down smoother. Coach Ron Rivera won't stay forever and water finds its own level under owner Dan Snyder.
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The list of options has to be a joke. Please tell me you've got something more, Jason. Please tell me there's an ace up your sleeve. Please tell me the team hasn't pinned its hopes to a phony poll.
After all, a few good men and women deserve better.
Rick Snider has covered Washington sports since 1978. Follow him on Twitter: @Snide_Remarks.
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