(670 The Score) The Bears have five games left in their season, and we’re all going to watch them. For the next two months, we’re going to dedicate at least 12% of every weekend to finding a place to sit down and closely watch one of the five worst football teams in the NFL.
If you think it sounds exhausting now, just wait until it’s 1 a.m. next Monday, when you’re wide awake thinking about the Bears. Damn Matt Nagy for not being realistic about the playoffs, you say, while conceding that if the Bears get Justin Fields back and the defense rebounds just a little bit, they could be a dangerous out!! We haven’t even gotten to what’s widely accepted as the toughest and most-embarrassing afternoon on the Bears’ annual schedule, the George McCaskey–Ryan Pace end-of-season press conference. There are end-of-season columns to be written and definitely-sincere viral rants to be filmed. Bears Twitter still has at least three controversies to embellish. There's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
I’m here to help. How realistic that is, still tbd. But I’d like to try my best. Bears fans deserve some peace of mind as much as anyone -- and honestly probably more. At least the sun comes out in Jacksonville. So here are eight (I really did try and get to 10) tips on how to cope with watching the Bears in the final five weeks of the season.
1. I don’t know
2. Pretend the Bears are the league’s one officially ironic team
You see, the Bears are supposed to be scoring 16 points a game. Their league-worst passing offense is a sharp commentary on the sport’s heavy-handed reliance on analytics. Counter cultures have historically been an important cog in the wheel of paradigm shifts, and the Bears’ subtle humor and artistry will only be appreciated more as it ages. You’re just ahead of the trend.
3. Bet against them
I wouldn’t blame anyone for not having the heart for this. But if you can, you should. I can unequivocally promise you that anyone who covers the Bears for a living will agree that being paid to watch the Bears softens the blow. Learn to trust the unders and let the Bears subsidize your offseason hobbies.
4. Learn to objectively appreciate good quarterback play
Getting to watch Aaron Rodgers and Russell Wilson over the next month could be fun? I don’t specifically know how yet, but I’m so sure that watching Kirk Cousins twice in three weeks will be fun too. I’d suggest anything else on this list for when the Bears play the Giants on Jan. 2. Ideally, the Bears will get Fields back for the last handful of games, so there’s always that. At the least, this could be the last Rodgers-Bears beatdown matchup, so maybe try letting nostalgia carry you through the last 57 minutes of that one.
6. Watch the Lions first
You want perspective? Or to feel optimism’s warm embrace once again? Watch the Lions. They'll remind you that there are teams out there that are somehow way worse than the Bears. They will show you what the darkness really looks like.
7. Scouting SZN
It brings me absolutely no joy to report that it's always draft season. The Bears, as you may know, have a few spots to address in the draft next spring, and soon you’ll be required to tweet your opinions about what that entails. Get your convictions ready – they’ll be tested often and in increasingly rude ways, probably by @JustinFieldsSZN_(0-0)_983627.
8. Appreciate each minute of every Bears game because when they’re done we’ll have to talk about the MLB lockout
These false starts are going to be some of the last false starts we see for close to eight months. Savor the Darnell Mooney deep ball and Robert Quinn’s 90-degree bend. Try not to panic about David Montgomery only being under contract for one more season. There are only so many huge Roquan Smith hits left before the morning newsletters pivot into "What you need to know about MLB’s labor strife." And the best news of all? In only five weeks, the Bears officially get to become your dark horse 2022 playoff candidate.
Cam Ellis is a writer for 670 The Score and Audacy Sports. Follow him on Twitter @KingsleyEllis.