In their desire to get butts into seats, the front offices of today's sports teams are trying to make arena and ballpark experiences ever more exotic.
Food is a case in point.
Forget the simple hot dog with mustard (not ketchup, we're not animals), and a frosty beer. Today's cornucopia of offerings in parks across the country include bahn mi sandwiches, garden salad jars with grains, coney dog egg rolls, dill pickle stuffed hot dogs, barbecue funnel cakes -- even fried crickets.
Never one to shy away from debate, Mike Valenti and his boys on the Valenti show used a flush-o-meter -- 1 being most edible and 5 the most likely to cause an accidental catastrophe -- to rate the latest in ballpark munchies.
- Yankee Stadium's avocado bites earned a decent score. "I love avocado," Valenti said. It earned a 2 on the flush-o-meter based on the habanera dipping sauce, which could be deadly.
- The Twins' peanut butter and bacon sandwich on sourdough bread is "completely unnecessary," Valenti said, noting this combo was a favorite of Elvis' and we all know how he ended up. It got a 3 on the meter for its potential for bubble guts.
- Texas Rangers' fowl pole, a two-pound chicken tender with waffle fries and dipping sauce, must be an alien chicken, Valenti said, so he wanted none of it. "That thing deep fried, by the time you get it back to your seat you look like you wet yourself." Valenti gave it a four on the meter.
- Pittsburgh's corned beef, sauerkraut, Swiss cheese and Russian dressing in a waffle cone earned a five. 'This is absolutely disgusting," Valenti said, calling it a colon explosion.
- The Astros Frito pie corn dog covered in Texas chili and queso earned an automatic no."Absolutely not," Valenti said, adding it could lead to possible defecation in your seat. It garnered a five. David "Hatchet" Hull wanted to try it, which made Valenti ask if he planned to wear a diaper to the game.
- The SI cover dog, an 18-inch bratwurst with jalapeno topped with fried mac and cheese and apple cole slaw got a "hard no." Valenti said if there was a level six, that's what it would get.
- The Braves' chicken and waffle boat with chicken covered in mango jalapeno, drizzled with honey and topped with toasted pecans didn't get high marks across the board. But it did get some interest. "I'm ordering two," Hatchet said. Valenti gave it a three.
- The Diamondbacks' all-day breakfast dog earned the absolute worst rating with an 18-inch hot dog topped with hash browns, chicken gravy, hot sauce and green onion. "You won't even finish eating this before you're going to mess yourself," Valenti said. "That will lift you off the toilet seat ... If you order that, you are committed to pooping at the stadium." Flush level was five. It costs $40 and Roberto Boschian said it was so expensive because it comes with an usher who escorts you immediately to the bathroom.
- The coney dog egg roll at Comerica Park got a resounding "no." "I don't need it in egg roll form. Who the hell ever asked for a coney in an egg roll?" Valenti said. The flush-o-meter was a three.
