Michigan State and Michigan are on a potential collision course in the NCAA Tournament, with a spot in the Final Four on the line. "I have no interest in it," says Valenti. "I don't need it."
"We've already beat them twice. It doesn't matter. There's nothing to gain, everything to lose. Even after last time, they somehow managed to rewrite history with Logo-gate."
In fact, Valenti "would rather not play Michigan in any sport ever again. ... I’d rather play Satan than play Michigan."
"I wish I lived in an alternative universe where we could just be A&M and leave. Because here’s how it works: We’ve already pounded you into the dirt twice. We do it again, you’ll rewrite history like you always do. If we lose, it’ll be, 'Dusty May is God, Izzo is washed and your program’s toilet.' There’s no point in any of this. We have done nothing but walk you like a dog for 25 years in basketball. It doesn’t matter. You only come out of your cave 10 minutes before your team’s in the tournament. None of you watch them.
"So if you think I’m excited to have these two teams meet and have a group of people who haven’t watched this team, don’t know basketball and can barely form sentences — Jalen Rose — call into this show and talk basketball, you’re out of your effing mind. So, no, bring on Auburn. I don’t care. There’s no point in it. This idea that anything gets settled — Christ, we beat them for a decade in football. You know what got settled? Nothing."
5-seed Michigan plays 1-seed Auburn on Friday, while 2-seed Michigan State gets 6-seed Ole Miss. The winners of those two games will meet in the Elite 8. And while a matchup with Michigan would be "easier" for Michigan State, "it'll be offset by the fact that this is what I do for a living and I’ll have to talk to deranged, cultist mouth-breathers for a week," says Valenti.
"For me, I don’t need it. If you’re a Wolverine and you want it, of course you do. You’ve lost to us twice. Why wouldn’t you want a third shot at the bowling alley? If you’re a Spartan, you know the drill. You know I’m speaking the truth, and I don’t want to hear about this whole satisfaction quotient. There is no satisfaction beating Michigan, because even when you win, you lose! Nothing matters."