In what Valenti called "the WTF news of the day," Ohio State is hiring Matt Patricia as its defensive coordinator: "This guy is giving Lane Kiffin a run for his money in Failing Up in life."
The noted disaster of a head coach for the Lions has resurfaced in a major role with the reigning national champs, leaving Valenti to ask, "What kind of spell does this guy cast on people in his muumuu and his cab driver hat?"
"What type of silver tongue does this guy have? How does this keep happening? He has been an abject failure in everything he has done post-Belichick, a complete disaster. What am I missing with this guy?"
Michigan fans, says Valenti, should be pumped about the news:
"This is a guy who treats people terribly, who had a horrific relationship with players. And news flash: Before you say, 'Yeah, that was the pros.' College is the pros. You don’t get to talk to these kids the way you used to. You don’t get to bully people. You don’t get to demean people. They’re pros. They’re making real money.
"I can’t believe Matt Patricia got that job, unless I’ve missed the 'Matt Patricia found Christ' article, or he’s somehow now inoculating baby seals."
What's most perplexing to Valenti is that Ryan Day and the Buckeyes have the budget to hire almost anyone they want: "How do you land on Matty Patty? You got a thing for muumuus? Is this Ryan Day’s version of Rex Ryan’s foot fetish? He loves a good muumuu in the office? How??"
"What does this guy do when he goes in the room? Does he have a magic cologne? Does he tell great jokes? Is he Don Rickles, does he just charm people? What’s in the recent resume where you go, ‘This is our guy?’ There’s nothing. Nobody likes him. Remarkable."