Think boredom is a choice? Think again. We’re all searching for things to do while playing it COVID safe, but searching for things to do in a pandemic while pregnant presents a whole new set of challenges; a set that Allie Hartwick is ready to take on.
Since the introduction of Atari, people have spent hours upon hours of their lives staring at their television screens, making little figures move around, earn points, jump over things and shoot stuff.
Can you tell I'm not a huge gamer?
Sometime in the early to mid-90's, my parents bought my brother and I our first home gaming system. I say they bought it for us, but there's no way I requested a Super Nintendo. My childhood dream was to own moon shoes.
Still, I enjoyed playing a few games on rainy days. We had Super Mario Brothers, the original Donkey Kong, and the only game I've ever beaten, Aladdin. You had to jump on snake-Jafar's head in the final level while dodging eggs he threw your way. It was, dare I say, egg-cellent. I am so ready to be a parent.
I think I would have been happy firing up that gray and purple system forever, but my brother "needed" an N64 when that eventually came out. So the Super Nintendo went into a box, and a brand new system with confusing controllers and a player perspective that made me nauseous took it's place.
There were very few games I actually enjoyed on this new system. The 007 game was a nightmare of anxiety and blood splatters, and the new Donkey Kong had none of the pixelated charm of the original. Legend of Zelda was admittedly excellent, but I couldn't get past some of the scary levels that I want to say involved werewolves? There was one game that became my go-to whenever I was bored enough to try a video game: Mario Kart.
By no means was I ever nor have I ever been good at this game. Falling off the sides, being run over, or just revving into a wall are my standard moves. There was a period of time in my mid-twenties, again when I was bored, that I became a moderate Mario Kart operator, but that took a lot of practice.
In all stages of my life and experience with this particular racing game, there has been one level that haunts me; a level that combines my fear of space with the anxiety inducing over-stimulation only a game can create. That hellish dreamscape is the deceivingly cheery Rainbow Road.
Don't let the pretty colors fool you
The turns are impossible. The view is insanely limited. The rainbow sparkles are really distracting. Any mistake will send you launching off of the wavy road and into the oblivion of outer space.
Sound dramatic? Maybe, but this level has scarred my psyche. To this day, I fear accidentally launching off of a hill while driving and plummeting into starry nothingness. I know this real-life scenario is unlikely, but if you've ever taken a turn on I-70 a little too quickly, or driven over the massive hill on Ward Rd. at 67th, it may not seem so implausible.
I figure I should conquer my fears and anxieties before having a child, as I'm sure a whole slew of brand new ones are about to develop. I also don't want to pass on my irrational fears to my offspring. He's already probably getting my terrible eyesight and joint disorders, so there's no need to lay an extra burden at his tiny feet.
Only way eradicate a fear is to face it, so I dug through our attic storage and dusted off the Nintendo Wii. The last time I used it, Obama had yet to start his second term. Part of me was sincerely hoping it was too outdated to work, but no such luck. The only adjustment I needed to make was to swap out the decade-old batteries sitting in the controllers.
I spent more time cleaning my room for this photo than I did setting up the Mario Kart game. I had no excuses left, time to get playing.
Got my game face on
Shockingly, I did not get better in the years I spent driving in the real world rather than navigating the ones in Mario's. First attempt, stuck in a sand dune, fell in a moat, finished dead last.
Second attempt, didn't fare much better, but after adjusting the other "players" speeds to the slowest possible, I finished 11th out of 12. Movin' on up!
My baby-daddy is a teenaged boy at heart, as I think many men are, and two practice rounds was all he could wait before begging me to play too. I mean, this was my project, but I guess I could be the bigger person and share.
I'm going to blame him for pushing me towards Rainbow Road hours before I felt "ready."
Have you ever gone back to a place you had a mildly traumatic experience as a child? You know you're all grown up, and strong, and that the bird that ate your sandwich last time probably doesn't live at this beach anymore, but you're still nervous something might go awry.
This is exactly how I felt when the tinny trumpets sounded, announcing the start of the multi-hued race.
My hands, arms, and lower back began to sweat. This may have been because I spend 60% of my day sweating, no matter what's going on, but I think this particular hot flash was triggered by Mario himself.
My plan was to take it really slow, and try not to fall off the sides. I remembered the age-old story of the tortoise and the hare, and there was no way I was gonna get hare-y. Team Tortoise, all the way.
Turns out, you can fall into space at any speed. Even basically stopped. And fall into space I did; over and over and over.
I finished last, mostly because I hadn't finished my second lap when all the other players (including my show-off husband) had completed their third. But you know what, I survived! Not my avatar. Luigi is most certainly dead from a space-related accident, but I, Allie Hartwick am not.
At the end of the day, it's just a game.
A game that I am very bad at, and that's ok.
For now.
Just wait 'til I practice a ton and get really good and wow everyone with my skillz. That'll show 'em. That'll show 'em all!
Ok, maybe I'm not totally ready to be a parent.
Ready or not, baby is coming, and I'm sure he'll school me in Mario Kart before he starts kindergarten. I guess I can let him have something.
Happy gaming!
Sincerely,
Allie and Baby Toad*
*also not his intended name
