Now that the world is going into full panic mode over the coronavirus pandemic, I think it’s only a matter of time before we will all need full respirators before we leave the house.
But if you’re sporting anything from a modest chin curtain to a full Yosemite Sam you could be at risk.
According to the Centers For Disease Control and Protection (CDC), "Ensuring the respirator seal is a vital part of respiratory protection practices. Facial hair that lies along the sealing area of a respirator, such as beards, sideburns, or some mustaches, will interfere with respirators that rely on a tight facepiece seal to achieve maximum protection. Facial hair is a common reason that someone cannot be fit tested."
Yikes! So what are my bearded brethren to do?
Luckily the CDC has created this informative and hilarious guide for those of us with face fuzz to see which facial hairstyles comply with official respirator standards. [Note: The CDC does not recommend using respirators as protection against coronavirus unless your job specifically requires it … or unless you’re one of the unlucky bastards chosen to clean the city subways and public restrooms.]
But if you insist on wearing one while you head out to the store to buy 200 rolls of toilet paper, here are some styles you might want to consider:
Also acceptable are variations of the above which include the "Magnum PI" and the "Freddie Mercury".
In certain regions, the "Villain" may also be known as the "Rollie Fingers" and the "Craft Beer Hipster". (Avoid conversations with the Hipster about; Bernie Sanders, Che Guevara and any beer with a fruity nose)
Now there are a few styles that could prohibit a tight seal and put you at risk. And who doesn't want a tight seal, am I right?
Don't Do It: Just ask your grandfather why this look might get your ass kicked.
Also, some of the prohibited facial hairstyles are shown to have negative effects on your sex life. Avoid these whenever possible.
So, tip of the cap to the CDC for helping us learn more about how to stay safe during these uncertain and unsanitary times.
We not only salute your service but also respect your seriously robust list of facial hairstyles.
Now may your seals be tight, your flavor savors be within regulation and may we all survive this pandemic.
Godspeed.