I don’t really research things I’m supposed to write or blog about, until the morning when I wake up to work.
Today was different. I woke up, and thought…I just want to sleep, I want to be happy and still sleep, I should write about how it’s OKAY to wake up and not WANT to be happy. It’s not like me to be vulnerable; I’m so used to having to stay strong for everyone, and today was just not that day.
Well, 'heck'... not the term I’d use, sooo insert your choice of word :), that’s bazaar for me.
The truth is, I’ve not had motivation for anything. Aside from really important responsibilities….I didn’t want to craft, I didn’t want to clean my car, or binge watch anything. I didn’t want to clean my house, or do laundry, or even decorate with the few things I’ve bought in the past week. I haven’t done my hair in months, aside from cutting it. I haven’t done my make-up completely since March (bless Snapchat filters), and I’ve gained some not awesome Covid weight. But normally, weight difference or not, I would still get dolled up once in a blue moon to go somewhere….Now...Where? For a Zoom meeting? LOL I can hear some companies now…. “YOU DON’T LOOK PROFESSIONAL ON ZOOM-DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT”…. My sarcasm made me laugh a bit at that, on the inside. I miss going into work.
Michael and I have been married for almost 4 months; it’s a new kind of newly wed time. We’ve been stuck together at home for this long, and although we haven’t argued much (not that we ever had; really), we aren’t able to do the things that we’ve loved most, and shared mutual interests in because of the pandemic. It’s really brought us both down that we haven’t been able to take our Honeymoon, and although we’ve planned it in August now, it’s not likely to happen. We joke that at least we know what it’ll be like when we retire, but I’m sure we’ll be able to go out and do more things by then too.
We escape to social media. It’s not even an escape anymore. Left and right, literally, we have bad news. News of the pandemic, politics, race, religion, and even though we deeply need the change that’s been happening and coming, it’s all ugly. People are being ugly. Majority of the time I post things like news, memes, sarcastic humor and photos- just to lighten up some friend’s newsfeeds. But the conversations outside of those things, have drained me. My mind is exhausted. It’s so hard to fight for things you believe in, and having conversation is wonderful, when people aren’t being spiteful and cruel during them, which is very rare. “Would you say the things you say on social media, to a person’s face?”, as well as, ‘What would you tell your child, if they came home crying because someone treated them, the way you just treated and spoke to someone?”. God knows we need each other and teachers now more than ever, but we are the teachers, since this pandemic. I can’t tell you how much I admire everyone who wakes up every day taking care of their children, and putting on a happy face. And although I don’t have children yet, I do it with my parents. IT’S EXHAUSTING. And I applaud you.
I think we’ve all lost ourselves throughout this whole pandemic. I’m not as happy and cheerful. And I’ve never enjoyed being on camera. EVER. So Zoom, Tik Tok and FaceTime has never been a favorite of mine to see people, or to make myself ridiculous over (I might have to Tik Tok eventually though….). It was fun when we thought ‘no big deal, it’ll be over in a month or two’….now, there’s no end in sight. That’s my realization. I’m desperately trying to be optimistic. The weight of America, of Florida, is unbearable. We’re facing thing’s we would have never imagined in this time. People are still fighting for unemployment, AFTER MONTHS. One dear friend FINALLY got all hers today, after waiting since March. Tenants are suffering paying their rent and bills; landlords are suffering with the same. People are still unemployed and want to work but can’t find work, or sitters for that matter. Children are getting stir crazy and there’s only so much you can do from keeping them away from screens. And you still have to keep them away from friends. Heck (insert choice of word)– I remember the days where my mom told me at the early age of 7, don’t ride your bike too far away, or get into trouble and be back when the street lights come on. Those days are far gone. And a few of my friends have had to change career paths, what they thought was IT, wasn’t. Now at the ages 30-50…. What’s next? They have to wake up to this feeling, every morning. They apply all over the state and city, only to be put into a pocket of a company’s ‘Maybe’ list. Or not being rehired after numerous promises. It weighs down in an individual’s mind, and you start to feel betrayed, like you weren’t as important, as you thought, to the company you’d have broken your back for. Next is lack of confidence. But it’s NOT YOU. And these thoughts ARE normal. I’d have felt the same.
As a world that’s gone through so much, and advanced with technology and knowledge, it’s so perplexing and aggravating to me that we’ve not been able to solve something like this pandemic, or the economy that’s been struggling so much. I realize that some of my statements don’t really coincide with one another, and they might not even make sense. It’s just me writing down things, that my mind brings up, so I don’t forget. So forgive me for being all over the place.
I’m frustrated. I’m sad. I’ve been depressed for well over 10 years, but there were things I could do to keep my mind off of it and push forward. And now, during shelter in place and the pandemic, it’s all come to the surface.
You all might be thinking, ‘OMG Susie but you sound so upbeat and happy when we hear you on air.’…. I do. In fact, I have YOU to thank for that. And it’s genuine happiness. I love speaking and holding conversations with you, my friends, and my listeners. I miss picking up the studio phone and hearing about your day, whether it be good or bad, and play that "overplayed" Justin Bieber song you love so much. I love sharing with you, every Tuesday, that I need tacos and then getting a call about where and what tacos I should try. I love when you win our contests and airing your reaction, and being so happy that we could share that moment of you getting to take your kid to their first concert because you won! YOU...were listening to ME, and you WON! Goodness, I needed to read that.
It’s without saying, that we should count our blessings. Think of the good times and things we still have in life. The little things are the most precious. But it’s definitely hard to go backwards in life. We’ve gone from having so much, to being so limited. This pandemic can knock us down, but won’t keep us there. Many people have it worse in the world, I know that, and I have faith. Although this was just a blog with my venting in it, I have to say, it’s helped. At least for today. I can’t stress how much mental health is important to your well-being.
Please, friends. If you need a shoulder, an ear, and or a tissue, I’m here. And if you need help, PLEASE, I urge you to seek help. What you’re feeling is normal, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Here are some links to definitely check out!
XOXO
Susie