Three-time major-league All-Star and current Phillies broadcaster John Kruk looks like the type who would enjoy a nice, rare cut of meat, perhaps of the ribeye or New York strip variety. And while Kruk confirmed that to be an accurate assessment in a tweet posted Wednesday night, the former first baseman sparked outrage with a startling admission, volunteering that steak is best served with a side of ranch dressing.
Needless to say, Kruk’s pro-ranch sentiment was not well-received, dismissed by meat purists as a culinary faux pas of the highest order, a suggestion as farcical and blasphemous as drowning your sushi in soy sauce or, God forbid, the cardinal sin of slathering your fries in mayonnaise, a malfeasance reserved for dangerous lunatics and black-hearted monsters who hate puppies.
Kruk partially redeemed himself by submitting “medium rare” as his preferred temperature (“well done” is the exclusive domain of serial killers), though his credibility took another damaging hit with the troubling revelation that he also likes his steak with—gasp—ketchup.
Imagine pulling up to Peter Luger’s and having the temerity, the unmitigated gall to desecrate a $100 Porterhouse by drenching it in a puddle of Hidden Valley. Kruk readily admits to committing this arrest-worthy offense (we’re talking grand jury indictment on felony charges) on a regular basis, which begs the question, why isn’t the popular color commentator behind bars?
Kruk’s lamentable steak musings can only be seen as a cry for help, with the former Phillies and Padres slugger in desperate need of an intervention, requiring friends and family to talk him off the ledge. Most of America will be rooting for the Phillies when the World Series begins Friday night in Houston, though maybe Kruk, in wake of his wildly uncultured steak etiquette, shouldn’t be the spokesperson for that cause.
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