Our national nightmare is over. It’s been a week since Jay Cutler, a former NFL quarterback who now lives vicariously through the various animals inhabiting his Nashville farm, vowed revenge on the killer who slayed his beloved chickens. The social media masses soon flocked to Cutler’s Instagram account, waiting on pins and needles for any clue that could help solve the ongoing crime saga. What started as a mildly amusing bit for the bored-out-of-his-skull Cutler quickly became the quarterback’s entire existence as the 37-year-old devoted his days (and nights) to capturing the elusive poultry killer.
After a week of painstaking detective work, the culprit was apprehended Tuesday night as Cutler, channeling his inner Rust Cohle, was finally able to crack the case. As fate would have it, Cutler’s initial instincts were right on the money (excluding the wrongly accused Thelma, who was vindicated early in the investigation). The one-time Pro Bowler suspected a raccoon might be behind this despicable crime and sure enough, that’s exactly who masterminded the farm killing spree. The 12-year NFL vet didn’t share with us the raccoon’s fate, but it’s safe to say the bloodthirsty beast won’t be wreaking any more havoc on Cutler’s farm.
Cutler will take the night to savor his victory, but as a veteran outdoorsmen, the 2006 first-rounder knows the battle is just beginning. “I’m sure the raccoon has some family members,” Cutler warned, anticipating another killer, perhaps one as twisted and vile as the raccoon he just brought to justice.
Say what you will about Cutler as a football player (or as a husband), but the former Chicago Bear would go to war for his chickens.