He is the nerd in the darkness. He is the watcher on the couch. He is the shield that has watched Game of Thrones far too many times to NOT be socially awkward.
First off, a message for whoever wrote the preceding attempt at an insult. BACK OFF.
I imagine it's tough to be a cultural plebe who has refused to watch the most popular television show of the last 10 years. But don't take it out on this handsome, learned maester. After all, I've watched the show about 7-8 times through. Who's the loser now?
Second off, did you watch the episode? If so, good. If not, go away.
"Spoilers are coming." [read this to yourself with a gruff, no nonsense, "NORTHERN" British accent for fun!]
PAWLLL, WHY THE BLEEP HAS NO ONE DIED YET?
It's impossible for me to hate an episode of this show. But I'll admit, after waiting 596 days just for the show to RETURN, I'm getting a little horny for a major death that completely shocks me.
Yes, Game of Thrones is about more than that. Dialogue has been a huge part of the show for years, and Real World: Winterfell…
[announcer voice: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE MOST IMPORTANT POLITICAL FIGURES OF WESTEROS GET TOGETHER IN WINTERFELL TO BATTLE AN ARMY OF ZOMBIES?]
…hasn't disappointed. It's been a refreshing change of pace of see all these characters united under one roof talking to each other with empathy like actual humans, not guarded politicians.
That said, it all felt a bit rushed. For the sentimental moments that mattered – like Theon coming back to fight for Sansa, Brienne being knighted, and Tormund's attempt to woo the Lady of Tarth – I think they could have gone further. Less than 10 lines in 2 episodes between Arya and The Hound? Only one 101 conversation between Brienne and Jaime? I suppose these are casualties we have to accept when George R.R. Martin can't meet a goddamn deadline.
Sunday's past episode - A Knight of Seven Kingdoms – was more a farewell to many of the characters that we've come to love over the years. And I think it will be remembered MUCH more fondly after next week's bloodbath of an episode. As we've seen in the past with this show, death is abrupt, quick, and never glorious. That said, I get the frustration. I want things to speed up too.
PAWLLL, I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ARYA PLAYING "GAME OF BONES"!
See what I did there?
Honestly, I'm disappointed with the lack of blacksmith innuendo while Arya and Gendry were flirting. So many LAYUP jokes about spears and swords to be made.
I'm surprised by the amount of people that took issue with this scene, though. The prevailing sentiment: "EWWW, Arya looked like she was 9 about 10 years ago," combined with "she was like my little sister, man."
Let's move beyond the fact that on a show loaded with murder, rape, and incest, THIS is the outrageous one. Wasn't this the natural, storybook conclusion to Arya and Gendry's relationship, one that goes all the way back to season one? A Stark – Baratheon unison that Robert and Ned discussed in the first episode of the show?
I'm not sure how old Arya is supposed to be. I'm guessing somewhere from 15-18. But what I do know? An intimidating killer like her gets what she wants (even if she looked quite unhappy with Gendry's performance after). And a character that we've known ths long deserves get her rocks off AT LEAST ONCE after the crazy ass journey of survival she's taken. Taking something out of the plot because an actor looked like a child 10 years ago is ridiculous.
PAWLLL, WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Obviously, a lot of people are going to die. Here some my hastily made "OH SHIT, THEY GONNA DIE" power rankings:
- Brienne: She killed Stannis, saved Sansa, put Jaime on the path to redemption, and was knighted. The only way she could have it any better is by getting frisky with the Kingslayer or Tormund. YOU CAN'T HAVE TOO MANY NICE THINGS, BRIENNE.
- Jaime: Completed his redemption arc, AND is fighting on the flank with Brienne with one hand. BYE.
- Theon: Also completed his redemption arc by saving Yara, plus coming back to fight for Sansa AND Bran. Later, bro.
- Ser Davos: Everyone likes him! He's going to have his arms and legs ripped off and be beaten to death with them. RIP.
- A bunch of people in the crypts, because the show has NEVER been more obvious when it comes to foreshadowing.
- "Hey little girl, can you defend the crypts for us? Might be dangerous!"
- "Tyrion, you know what's the safest place for you? The crypts."
- "Sam, you beta, go to the crypts bro!"
- If I had to pick one character to die in the crypt, I'd choose Varys, with Tyrion as a wild card.
Second, I'm assuming that our merry band of heroes ultimately triumphs over the army of the dead. Along the way, there's a chance that Jon or Dany could die. I suppose it's possible that Sansa could die too. That said, the odds of all 3 dying? After the most important scenes of the past episode, I'd say ZERO.
The most delicious storyline of season 8's first two episodes? Dany's war of passive aggressiveness against Sansa Stark. Ole Cocky Dan did not take it too kindly when Brienne changed Sansa's mind about Jaime Lannister. I'd be a little perplexed too if I were in Dany's shoes. Sansa is one of the most intelligent women in Westeros. And yet she absolves Jaime - who only escalated a war that nearly destroyed House Stark, nbd – based off the testimony of just one person.
To Dany's credit, she tried to make amends for awkward beginnings in a The Bachelor-esque 101 with Sansa. It nearly worked, and given how bad Tyrion has been as Hand of the Queen, for a moment I thought Dany would name Sansa hand.
But 5 seconds later, Sansa asked "What happens to the North when this is all done?" Our future Mad Queen Dany looked like she was about to burn a bitch through an awkward 10 seconds of silence. At least until that nerd maester interrupted the tension.
This wasn't a good episode for Dany, who clearly wanted some 101 time with Jon after Jaime was absolved AND after they laid out their defense strategy. Perhaps to talk. Or perhaps to ride her nephew's dragon. Probably both.
But Dany did finally get that alone time when she spied her boytoy in the crypts. The most erotic way to get frisky with someone? Starts small talking about dead relatives in the same place they're buried.
Man, this scene got HOT. Dany slowly slunk her arm under Jon's the same way extremely possessive PDA types do in the middle of dates. I had to fan myself as I wondered if Dany would try take Jonnyboy down right there in the crypts. The same way that Jaime and Cersei knocked boots next to dead ass Joffrey. "It was kind of messed up that my brother raped your aunt, huh?" said the breaker of chains to her bae with a knowing look in her eye.
But leave it to our favorite moron – Jon – to do the absolute worst possible thing in the moments before a battle. "Hey Auntie, that's actually my Mom, you're my aunt, and I'm your king. What! WHAT!" Dany – notoriously emotional with an incredibly short fuse – LOST IT. "But that means, that, that, that, you'd have a claim to the Iron Throne..."
And then we got ANOTHER interruption. Those rascal showrunners! Planting a seed of conflict between the two most powerful Starks AND Mad Queen Dany was genius. After the army of the living triumphs over the army of the dead, this will be a MASSIVE issue. Perhaps Cersei will keep the Iron Throne after all!
Paul Gallant hosts Mad Radio - mornings 6-10 CT on SportsRadio 610 - with Mike Meltser & Seth Payne.Want to get in contact with Paul? Talk to him on twitter, facebook, or by email.
