Tuesday was a rough night for the Rockies—the Nationals beat the tar out of them—but even rougher for their scoreboard operator, who, based on this cryptic rant disguised as “game notes,” appears to be going through a messy breakup.
It’s never easy to put on a brave face when your personal life is falling apart. Venting to thousands of fans on the Coors Field jumbotron is an unusual coping mechanism, though we all grieve in different ways (for instance, Kristen Wiig’s character in Bridesmaids taking out her frustration on an unsuspecting novelty cookie, or sobbing through Cast Away, specifically the scene when “Wilson” gets lost at sea). It’s unclear precisely what led to this bizarre outburst, though fans on Twitter were generally supportive, sympathetic to whatever existential crisis this person may be going through.
Anyone who’s experienced heartbreak can relate to this sentiment, even presented in the form of an off-the-rails fortune cookie. Just spit-balling here, but maybe the Rockies marketing team can parlay this viral meltdown into a promotional opportunity. Breakup Night sponsored by Kleenex has a nice ring to it.
Jokes aside, hang in there, anonymous Rockies scoreboard operator. She—or he—didn’t deserve you anyway.