Once in a blue moon, a brave soul will gather the gumption to call up a local radio station to defend Washington Football Team owner Dan Snyder.
On Friday, David in Bowie joined the likes of Derek in Alexandria, the last one heard from around these parts a little more than two years ago.
David took 106.7 The Fan's Grant Paulsen and Danny Rouhier for a ride to which someone, some place in Loudoun County, might respond — glass of scotch in hand — with teeth-chattering uproarious laughter.
Grant and Danny were discussing sexual harassment allegations made against the organization (one of which has since been settled), and the potential fallout, prior to taking David's call.
So let us travail into an alternate reality. Here is his call in its entirety:
And here, for the posterity of future generations, is the immaculate transcript:
David: How is Daniel Snyder any different than an exuberant fan previously working in another profession, while secondarily interested in playing fantasy football? And then realizing he must hire professionals for his secondary interest to sustain success in his primary profession and secondary interest. Thank you.
The 'thank you' signals David may have intended to sign off there, leaving the listening audience to gorge on that totally-not-pre-written food-for-thought fiesta.
Grant: What are you talking about?
Danny: I don't understand your question at all.
Grant: Did he just hang up?
David: No, I didn't hang up.
Grant: Oh, thank God. I was gonna say that was the weirdest call we've ever gotten if you hung up. Can you explain what you just said? I don't even know what you're talking about.
David: Well perhaps you might look up the words in the dictionary and figure out what I just stated.
Spicy.
Grant: No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Don't be a jerk. We're trying to have a conversation with you. You just said a lot of words, and it was word salad and it didn't mean a whole lot. So we're trying to figure out what, exactly — repeat what you said. We're talking about sexual harassment and what's going on with Dan Snyder. You're talking about him as an owner not succeeding.
Danny: In fantasy football?
David: Okay, the allegations were belated, first off. But in the beginning, when Daniel Snyder bought the team, no one complained. He was a fan. He was an avid fan. He was an exuberant fan. Everybody was like, 'Okay, let's see what happens.' And then he tried to play fantasy football and then what happened? Okay, he was a gambler, and he lost. That's what he did. And then he recovered, and then he realized he's a smart guy. Daniel Snyder is a smart guy. He's not only a fan, he was smart enough to realize that, eventually, he needed to hire professionals. And then who did he hire?
Danny: Bruce Allen.
David: Well, no...
Grant: There is no track record of him letting those professionals do their jobs. Hopefully it'll be different this time.
David: Well, he made mistakes along the way.
Grant: Twenty-plus years of them. That's true.
David: Well, that's okay. I mean, he can be forgiven.
Grant: I still don't understand what this has to do with what we're talking about. So, is your call just to say...
Danny: Stop being mean to Snyder?
Grant: …that Dan Snyder's not as bad an owner as people think? Because we're talking about something right now that is different than him being a bad owner when it comes to the team not winning. It seems like this is a call that you could have... like if we're talking about, 'Is Dan Snyder good at running the Washington Football Team?' And Danny and I say 'no,' you could call in and make this point and it would make sense. We're talking about the punishment that could come from these allegations in Beth Wilkinson's report.
David: No, we're not worried about... Listen, we're not worried about Beth, because we didn't think about Beth when Daniel Snyder bought the team, okay? Daniel Snyder bought the team because, well, he believed in the team, he followed the team, he loved the team, he rooted for the team, and this is what this is about! And then along the way he thought, well, he became [unintelligible]. And then what happened was he thought that he could make all the decisions. And then he discovered that he didn't make his billions when following only a football team. He made his billions from marketing. And then when he tried to dabble into his secondary interest, and then when everyone is following fantasy football.
Grant: What's his secondary interest?
Danny: He means running the football team, right?
David: Fantasy football! Yeah, that's secondary.
Grant: Right.
David: Now we understand that.
Grant: Where does Six Flags and Johnny Rockets come in for you?
David: Six Flags? Well, that was... You know, he was thinking about business and he thought that he could make some money on that, but that didn't pan out.
Danny: No, it did not. It did not.
David: That's not everything.
Just a quick note on that. Snyder's private equity firm purchased Johnny Rockets in 2007, then later sold the burger chain in 2013. Through that same firm, Snyder purchased a stake in the amusement park chain Six Flags in 2005, gained control of the board and installed himself as chairman. By 2009, Six Flags was delisted from the New York Stock Exchange and filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, after which Snyder was removed as chairman of the board.
Grant: But the Football Team, he's been killing it, you know?
David: What do you mean? Can you define that?
Grant: He's done a good job, right? It sounds like we agree, he's done a really good job running the Football Team.
David: I mean, recently.
Grant: Yeah. Recently, he's been fantastic, though. I mean they've really turned it around.
Grant: Like if 32 teams were having an owner draft, like, I don't know if Danny would agree, but I think me and you would say he'd go first, right?
Danny: No, he's not going first. Now it's over the top. He's top-five.
Grant: He'd go first, right, sir?
David: Who would go first?
Grant: Dan Snyder would go first in the owner draft.
Danny: Fantasy football.
David: No, I'm not. We'll see what happens in the next year or two, okay? We have to see.
Grant: Top five? Would he go top-five?
David: If he wins consecutive Super Bowls, then we consider rating Daniel Snyder.
Grant: Ah, okay.
David: At this point, what's most important is that he's learned from his mistakes, and uh...
Grant: Definitely! He has shown that, by the way. Because there's clear evidence that he learned and he does things differently now than he used to, for sure.
David: Well, I think the hiring of Ron Rivera and making the playoffs is enough.
Grant: Yeah, but they didn't make the playoffs in 2012, or 2005, or 2007, or 2015, and they never hired Shanahan. So yeah, this is new, definitely. They haven't done this.
David: Well, yes. And, recently, that was a decision of Daniel Snyder. I mean, even though he said, 'Hey, Happy Thanksgiving' after Thanksgiving, the fact of the matter is that Daniel Snyder hired the right man. He researched, and hired the right man to make the playoffs the next year, and that's what happened!
Grant: Did he say Happy Thanksgiving or Happy New Year? What did he say?
Danny: Happy Thanksgiving. I think it was in February.
Grant: No, this makes sense. It's a good phone call.
Danny: No, it is. A lot of things to unpack there.
Grant: Honest to God, rack that call. We could spend four hours breaking it down on Monday if we wanted to.
Danny: We could, or you could listen to the now-defunct Red Zebra Broadcasting, which doesn't exist anymore, a Dan Snyder venture. He learned from his mistakes, though. I'm sure.
Grant: The opening line that he had, where he said we were too dumb and we needed a Thesaurus because we didn't understand it, I still don't know what it was about, but he was arguing like a different segment from a different show about whether or not he's a good owner, when we were talking about allegations that are very serious.
Danny: But I appreciate the condescension.
"I wanted to say, 'Dan, is this you? Is this you?' Paulsen concluded. "Well, he's got a big fan out there, so that is good."
