In the age of COVID-19, we've lost the fundamental feeling that makes human life worthwhile: fun.
Let's have some, shall we? In a salute to one of the bards of baseball, Chris Berman, who never lost a chance to tag a team or player with an impromptu nickname that made us spit our sodas from our flapping lips, here is my 2020 All-Berman Baseball Lineup.
Catcher: Mike "Pepperoni" Piazza No New Yorker needs pizza or Piazza explained to them. The first Pizzeria was born in the Big Apple over a century ago. Piazza was born somewhere else (just outside Philly, to be exact), but came to the Mets from Miami and became the most productive catcher in team history. And perhaps only Gary Carter is more admired.
First base: Albert "Winnie the" PujolsNot only is it a sublime sobriquet, but Pujols is also one of the greatest players in the history of baseball. If you really need the numbers, Pujols has blasted 659 home runs and has driven in 2,087 runs. Oh, and he's a lifetime .300 hitter. It will be hard to top this player and his hilarious handle.
Second base: Chuck "New Kids On" Knoblauch The former Yankees second baseman was famous for a few things. Sadly, one of them was pointing to a dribbler down the first base line that never spun foul, as the galloping batter reached first. It happened during a playoff game - Game 2 of the 1998 ALCS - making the gaffe all the more egregious. But since these were the '98 Yankees, there was nothing that could thwart that baseball machine. And he leaves the game with a great moniker.
Shortstop: Miguel Tejada "they come, Tejada they fall"Tejada was a fabulous player for the A's and Orioles. Sadly, he got pinched for PEDs when he swore it was a vitamin B shot. Still, Tejada gobbled up 2,407 hits and launched 307 home runs while playing in six All-Star games over 14 years with six teams.
Third base: Scott "Supercalifragilisticexplali" BrosiusHow can we not mix Mary Poppins with our national pastime? Even if you've never heard of Dick Van Dyke or Julie Andrews, surely you've heard the song, or seen some part of the movie. If you haven't, then we can't help you. Well, he also won the 1998 World Series MVP on the greatest team in MLB history, playing third base and whacking two homers in the clinching game.
Designated Hitter: Jeff "Brown Paper" BagwellSure, he played for the Astros for his entire career, back when they were in the National League, and hence there was no DH on his team so he played first base. But this name is too good to omit from the squad. Who wouldn't want Bagwell as your DH? The former four-time All-Star cracked 448 homers, drove in 1,528 runs, and scored another 1,571 runs over 15 MLB seasons. Plus he's a career .297 hitter. Exactly.
Outfield 1: Harold "Growing" BainesThe slugging southpaw spent his salad days with the White Sox, but played 22 MLB seasons, and was one of the best hitters in the game for most of them. The six-time All-Star clubbed 384 home runs and retired with a robust .289 batting average. Even if you're not a Kirk Cameron or an Alan Thicke fan, the name is flawless.
Outfield 2: David "Supreme Court" JusticeThe loquacious mercenary made his bones with the Braves, before migrating to Cleveland and then to the Bronx, where he won a World Series ring with the 2000 Yankees. After his 14-year career, Justice was prominently portrayed in the movie "Moneyball" starring Brad Pitt, based on Billy Beane and the Oakland Athletics. He was also married to Halle Berry. Well done, sir.
Outfield 3: Jay "Ferris" BuhnerTo those of us who came of age in the '80s, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" was a teen classic. The former Yankee went to Seattle and became a beast, smacking 307 home runs for the Mariners, while driving in 951 runs. And yours truly is the only sportswriter in human history who went to the same high school as Matthew Broderick - Walden, a private school in Manhattan.
Starting pitcher: Greg "Math" Maddux Maybe the best pitcher of his era. Maddux trained on Big Macs, was built like the postman, and still tossed a two-hit shutout in Game 1 of the 1996 World Series just breathing through his nose.
Relief pitcher: Rollie "Chicken" FingersFingers, with his handlebar mustache, became one of the first truly great closers, making his name in Oakland. He won three World Series rings with the dynastic A's of the '70s, and notched 341 saves just as it was becoming a vital statistic.
Honorable Mention / Bench player: Todd "Highway to" HeltonAC/DC for the finish!
Follow Jason Keidel on Twitter: @JasonKeidel
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