It's Boss' Bachelorette Breakdown, Baby! Here's how it works: I watch the show, I drink some wine, I take some notes. Then, I try to make sense of those notes and write a recap for you. So hereeee we go!
Well it’s officially broken down by teams now even though “it’s not a game”..... Riiiight. The guys are like who’s Team Gabby? Who’s Team Rachel? Raise your raise!
Hayden tells Nate (who is in love with Gabby) that he used the words “rough around the edges" to describe Gabby to her face, and Nate is like whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa dude!
Let me just say we all hate Hayden within 2 minutes of this episode. He’s telling anyone that will listen that Gabby used the phrase "rough around the edges" first and she got upset when he said it, then he says ‘well *b word* maybe you shouldn’t use that word to describe yourself then.’ WOWWWWW. He goes on to say both Gabby and Rachel are *b words* and compares Rachel to his ex girlfriend and that 'she doesn’t hold a candle to his ex.' He says he doesn’t know how any of these guys can be like ‘I’m going to marry one of these girls.’ I mean what are you doing, dude!?!? Do you not know you’re on national television!?
My blood pressure goes down a bit when Host Jesse Palmer enters the room and tells the gentlemen that Gabby and Rachel are headed to France and to pack their bags! Do they usually travel this early? I feel like these guys are getting a good deal here. Jesse reveals that two of the guys will get to go on a date with their Bachelorette in Paris!
Gabby choose Jason (who we haven’t seen any of?) and Rachel chooses Tino (who we love!)
PARIS DATES
Gab and Rach are chilling at a cafe in Paris just shootin’ the you know what, they talk about how crappy the last ceremony was with all the rejection and nonsense. Rachel says it was the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to her. That’s a little dramatic but okay.
Both of the women have some serious self esteem issues which is depressing to watch.
The guys arrive for their dates and the pairs take off in opposite directions on a rainy day in the city of love.
Gabby and Jason’s conversation is limited but they appear to be feeling each other, regardless. Gabby tells the camera that Jason’s a man of few words. Yeah, that’s for sure.
My favorite conversation: Gabby tells Jason about the time she went to Paris with her girlfriends and the 8 of them all had matching Paris shirts in front of the Eiffel Tower.
Jason says, “Yeah?”.
Gabby says, “Yeah.” Goooood story.
They go into a store to try on berets and Gabby is like well I didn’t wear the right hairstyle for this! Her hair is in a low bun. She tells the camera, "Obviously I didn’t wear the right hairstyle to look good in a beret. I look like a bald baby, the queen from Snow White, a chef... anything but good.” LOL. She’s not wrong…
Jason is sure feeling his beret though!
Tino and Rachel spend their date making crepes and making out inside of a stranger’s crepe truck.
The four of them meet back up. Rachel and Gabby pull the ‘do you have to go to the bathroom’ card and literally just walk two feet inside the cafe to gush about their dates.
They all depart for the evening portion of the date. Tino and Rachel have dinner in a cathedral which I find extremely strange. They talk about Rachel’s rose ceremony rejections and we’re all like get over it.
Rachel expresses her concerns about finding a partner that will support her career as a pilot. Tino says ‘your passion for your career lights me up inside’ and I know that’s supposed to be sweet but it makes me laugh.
Tino says all the right things, Rachel loves him, Bachelor Nation loves him. He gets the rose. Go Tino! I think he will win!
Gabby and Jason have dinner in a much better environment with a view of the Eiffel Tower. They bond over their lack of confidence and love of therapy. Gabby dives back into her Momma Drama and Jason does a much better job than Erich in listening to her and offering comfort. (Really doesn’t take much.)
They both agree they just need to trust their intuition. Aww they just love each other, and I kinda like them together even though their conversations are painful to observe. Jason gets the rose!
Meanwhile, all of the dudes arrive in France. Jesse Palmer greets them by speaking in French. He’s actually really good at it. Sadly, none of the dudes understand what he’s saying. Turns out, they all will be staying on a private cruise ship – how cool!
GABBY’S GROUP DATE
Nate
Kirk
Quincy
Erich
Mike
Mario
Spencer
Johnny
Is that…. everyone?
The boys have to box each other on their date. They do a workout together before being trained by this French couple. My observations: Spencer is hot and Quincy can’t handle this workout.
In a weird yet predictable turn of events, Rachel and her dudes come to watch the fights.
Jesse Palmer enters the ring to kick off the festivities in front of a live audience. He speaks in perfect French. Maybe this is why they hired Jesse for this season? Because his French is so good.
Rachel is losing it because none of her dudes are looking at her. She is desperately trying to make eye contact with someone, anyone, and they are hyped up watching their buddies box each other. We spend a lot of time on Rachel upset/crying/annoyed. It’s kind of annoying.
Gabby gives the group date rose to Spencer! Yeah, like I said, he is hot. They get to have some one on one time, which goes well.
Cut back to Rachel crying in her room and then all of a sudden she’s fired up and heading to confront her men. The guys are are giggles and smiles until Rachel shows up looking piiiiissed. Then they all look like scared puppies that aren’t sure what they did wrong.
Rachel tells them, “You really made me feel hurt and unseen. No one was looking at me, no one came over” during the whole outing. And the guys are just like.. Ohhhh whoops. The producers definitely made her confront them. Such drama!
Logan’s face looks like he’s ready to jump ship to Team Gabby.
RACHEL’S GROUP DATE
The next day all the dudes that just got yelled at have to awkwardly show up for a group date. They go into this building and find a French couple making out, like really going at it. It’s disturbing.
Oh barf, this date is called “The Art of Romance”.
The guys have to go up to Rachel and flirt with her while everyone else observes. It is so uncomfortable to watch. This is hands down the worst date I have ever watched and I’ve been watching this dumb show since like…. 2005.
Anddd Ethan crawls on the ground to flirt…. Hahaha.
OMG NOW THEY HAVE TO MAKE OUT WITH THEIR OWN HAND!!!!
OMG OMG NOW RACHEL IS BLINDFOLDED AND SHE HAS TO SMELL EACH GUY’S ARMPIT. THIS IS TORTURE.
Tyler from Wildwood ends up getting the group date rose and gets to spend some extra time with Rachel. He says all the right things. Tyler just wants to be loved and love someone.
Meanwhile, Logan is having a crisis because he wants off of Team Rachel so badly. He wants to pursue Gabby. He’s talking to Jesse Palmer about it… and Jesse’s like…. Uhhh I mean you do you bro. *dRaMa*
COCKTAIL PARTY
Dayuuuum Gabby looks phenomenal in that purple dress!
Gabby catches up with Nate. We love Nate!
Hayden (we don’t like Hayden) shows Rachel pictures of his dog Rambo. He’s desperate, obvi. No one can resist a puppy pic.
OH NO. Hayden just told Rachel that his dog Rambo has a brain tumor and he literally only has a few months left to live. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE DUDE!? GO HOME. BE WITH YOUR DOG!!!
What!!! Now he is showing Rachel Rambo’s ‘Cancer Duck’ stuffed animal…. WHY DID YOU TAKE YOUR DOG’S COMFORT TOY TO EXPLOIT IT ON TV?!?!? I really don’t like this man.
Tino interrupts… (Thank God) and Rachel excuses herself from the sad dog situation.
Hayden goes back to the dudes and starts venting about how Rachel didn’t react properly to the news about his dog because Tino came and she just let him interrupt, blah blah. He is talking a lot of smack.
OHHHH MEATBALL IS ABOUT TO BLOW UP HAYDEN’S SPOT! LOVE IT.
Rachel is fired up!!! The guys are like ‘That doesn’t look like a happy Rachel…’
Rachel calls out Hayden. Yasssss!
Rachel: "Do you know why I’m talking to you right now?"
Hayden: “Is this about Rambo?”
Rachel: “.....about the dog!?!?”
Then Hayden proceeds to blatantly deny Meatball’s allegations. Straight up just lies to her face because we have all watched the video footage of Hayden saying everything that's in question.
Rachel isn’t having it and pulls the ‘can I walk you out’ SEE YA!
We witness the worst goodbye hug ever. Hayden says, “I really wanted this to work but I want Rambo more.” THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR DYING DOG!?!?! What kind of man takes his dog's cancer duck away from him to go on a dating show? I am fired up. Sadly, we’ll probably see Hayden on the beach in Paradise.
ROSE CEREMONY
Gabby’s Picks:
Nate
Erich
Johnny
Michael - really don't know who you are…
And Mario gets the last rose
Rachel’s Picks:
Aven
James aka Meatball - the guys are like no wayyy hahaha poor Meatball
Zach
Ethan
Logan… oh what’s he gonna do!?! He accepts of course. lol
That means Quincy, Jordan, Kirk and Hayden are eliminated this week.
Rachel’s men cheers to making it through another week and Aven says, “Lets avoid upsetting her for one week.” Cut to Logan’s face who knows very well he’s going to switch to Team Gabby and ruin Rachel’s spirit.
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