(670 The Score) Let's take our cue from Amazon's coverage of one of the worst football games any of us have seen in recent memory, the Bears winning a painful battle of the bottom feeders over the Panthers, 16-13, on Thursday at Soldier Field.
Here's Jason Kelce to take up an entire quarter, talking about being Jason Kelce.
"Bro, I'm very popular at the moment because my team is good, my brother's team is good, he's pretending to date Taylor Swift and I have a beard and stuff and can play against type as someone who is smarter and moderately more interesting than people think I probably should be. I don't really have any strong opinions on anything important, which is cool. High five. I have to go."
Thanks, Jason. Let's send it to the halftime folks.
"These quarterbacks are so not terrible, it's amazing. Definitely not horrendous at things like throwing the football downfield or understanding what defenses are doing or keeping their eyes downfield and feet set while under any kind of pressure. You have to love how they have cut down on turnovers by not being allowed to make actual passes.
"Now, let's use the entire next segment to preview what might be a real game, between better teams with coaches who will be employed next year! Won't that game be great? Yes! I know! That will be a good game, because those teams have players whose names we know, due to them being good at football.
"Chicago is so Chicago. There is so much Chicago, which you have to love. There is beef and cheese and the angry restaurant where people Chicago each other and it is so funny and unique. We sent people we know there to be beef and cheese and it was Chicago!
"This is NFL Thursday Night Football on Be Proud of War and Death or be branded Un-American Night!!"
(Gratuitous montage of smiling multicultural soldiers and machines of war and death, giant flags and then a commercial for a drug that makes you skinny but bankrupts you and might kill you.)
Back to you Al Michaels. Al? Al?
(Al left at halftime, to order eggs benedict to his room at the Peninsula with the chives tweezed off individually.)
"Kirk Herbstreit, here. I don't watch much pro football, but I am pretending to like the bad quarterbacks down there. Thanks to the teams for pumping my head full of what to say about them. They are both great, even though they are both very obviously bad. Both of these coaches are hard-working and tough and resilient. When they are fired soon, I won't remember saying any of this.
"Chicago is so Chicago. There is so much Chicago, which you have to love.
"There is Tyson Bagent's dad, and look how manly and strong he is in his sweatshirt. He has totally never taken any anabolic steroids of any kind and he hurts other men's arms for his job, and that means his son is interesting and special and important. Does he have a mother? Who cares? He may not — his dad may have birthed him from his forehead like Athena from the forehead of Zeus.
"And our final score is Bears 16, Panthers 13. What an interesting and exciting NFL football game."
Dan Bernstein is the co-host of the Bernstein & Holmes Show on middays from 10 a.m. until 2 p.m. on 670 The Score. You can follow him on Twitter @Dan_Bernstein.