Family oblos are a struggle on NFL Sundays.
I (nearly) missed the entire second half of the Cowboys game because I had to go watch a family concert. Now, I don’t REALLY do anything I don’t want to do, but… it was a Haiti benefit concert and BBQ and my surrogate dad was playing in the church band so I wanted to come out to support.
Of course, I may have had my phone streaming Dem Boyz while they worked their way through the Woodstock inspired set, but having to side eye the phone meant I couldn’t exactly see what had everyone so outraged since the sound was off.
Was there some sort of controversy on the road to a much needed Cowboy victory? LOL More on this later.
I got home in time for the final kick and the craziness that went down in the final minutes of the Seahawks game and then went back and spent the next hour catching up on what I missed in the second half of the 4 p.m. games.
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And you know what? I’m going to break some tradition here. Everyone hands out awards at the end of the season, or halfway through.
Not me. In the spirit of last night’s dreadful Emmy Awards, I’m giving out Trysta’s Week 2 NFL Manic Monday Awards. Because it’s never too early to reward either greatness or bullshit, and there’s nothing I like writing about more than those two things.
Outstanding Unstructured Reality Program: Dallas Cowboys
There is not a greater reality show than Jerry’s Traveling Circus.
This week, the Big Top traveled out West to take on the ultra dangerous Los Angeles Chargers and their fly-ass jerseys. Truthfully, you wouldn’t be able to tell that it was a road game because let’s be real, the Chargers don’t have any loyal fans (yet). They struggled to sell out a dilapidated soccer arena for many years and had more support in their London games than in the city of Angels.
One of the reasons I love being a Cowboys fan is how mad people get when they win. Their hate sustains me. This is ESPECIALLY true in any game with a controversial call that goes in Dallas’ favor. Yes, Herbert had two touchdowns stolen off the board by the zebras. But Justin also had two God-awful interceptions. And since no one on L.A. decided to tackle Tony Pollard, who’s fault is it really in the end? Do Jerry’s teams get a few calls here and there? Who’s to say? These things balance out over time, don’t they?
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
Life just feels right with the Cowboys on top, doesn’t it? And Dak is back doing (mostly) Dak things, Zeke had a day with Zach Martin finally opening up holes for him and, despite injuries that forced the Cowboys to creatively reorganize the roster, the offensive and defensive lines really were pretty solid. Micah Parsons might have found a home at defensive end in Demarcus Lawrence’s place and even LVE had 7 tackles, a sack and two tackles for losses.
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I still like the Chargers going forward, but I truthfully can’t say the Cowboys didn’t deserve to win that game.
With Philly and the Giants losing, the East really is Dallas’ for the taking.
Outstanding Contemporary Hairstyling: Andy Dalton
Real talk. When you saw Andy Dalton take his helmet off after he injured his knee, did you gasp? Did your jaw drop at the juxtaposition between the fresh faced Red Rocket and a man ready for his GQ cover shoot? He just redefined the ENTIRE ginger game. I personally blurted out “damn Andy Dalton is sexy!”
I’m reasonably certain that’s an entirely new sentence in the English language. I regret nothing.
Unfortunately, Dalton’s hair was about the only stylish or sexy element of the Bears offense. Shocking, I know. In a game where the Bears defense picked off poor, poor Joey Burrow on THREE consecutive passes, they still managed to find a way to nearly lose. It’s almost as if Matt Nagy’s main focus is being anywhere but Chicago come the bitter winter months that are just around the corner. Maybe he was as blinded by Dalton’s glorious flow, because Inexplicably Nagy refused to play his quarterback of the future until absolutely necessary.
The problem is that once Dalton got hurt we caught a glimpse of why that future might be. And it might make Bears fans want to take a dive into the nearest snow bank.
Justin Fields is not quite ready for prime time. He’s barely ready for overnights. It’s not just that he looked lost, which is normal for rookies, but he looked small. Not only did his body look small, his hands looked small, too. You know what they say about a quarterback with small hands? Insert your favorite Keith Jackson FUMMMMBLLLLEEEE here. Take away his one 10-yard scramble and he averaged less than two yards a carry. Which, to be fair, is about on par for most of the Bears RBs before they got David Montgomery. But for a guy supposed to be a dual threat, his first real work showed he was about as dangerous with his feet as a baby lamb (and around the same size).
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It's obvious that this is going to be a long season for the Bears, the Bengals, and sadly, probably for Andy Dalton’s hair, too. Enjoy it while you can, folks.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited or Anthology Series: Tua Tagovailoa
After watching Baby Tua lead Maryland to a primetime victory over Illinois, I was AMPED for another Tagovailoa upset special in Miami. Everything pointed to it. The stars were aligned. The Bills were reeling from a Week One loss, the Fins were coming off their own big win, and then... Tua got blasted early in the first quarter and that, as they say, was that. Game over.
As Mike Tyson said, everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.
No shade to Jacoby Brissett, but watching Tua get carted off early in the game with a rib injury sucked the wind out of the entire offense (and pretty much the southern half of Florida) for the rest of what should have been a very close game. The Bills spent more time in Miami’s backyard than your deadbeat uncle at a summer BBQ; they hit Brissett so often he’s going to see buffaloes in his sleep and they dominated the line of scrimmage in a way that might take the Dolphin coaching staff two weeks to dissect exactly what went wrong. It was that ugly.
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The offense scored zero points, which seems absurd considering they were playing at home. This is a worse loss in many ways than the 43-0 shellacking Brady put on them at home in 2019, because there are actual expectations for this team. Expectations that they play like an NFL team. They were a bigger disappointment than Florida State and that is QUITE a statement to a team that got their roof blown off by Wake Forest.
If the Fins don’t figure out their offensive line ASAP rocky, the series known as “Tua takes Miami” will end faster than “Emily’s Reasons Why Not,” which (famously) got canceled midway through its first episode.
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series: Sam Darnold
When Sam Darnold got fired from the longest running comedy in the NFL, the New York Jets, did anyone see him becoming the star of the surprise hit show of the new season? Certainly not the New Orleans Saints, who were coming off their own big game against Green Bay. But the Panthers are now 2-0 and the offense is humming in a way that makes even the most delusional New York fan say, “Darnold wasn’t the problem in New York.” Coupled with Zach Wilson’s four interceptions on Sunday, it seems like even Tom Brady couldn’t fix the Jets.
Want to make a Jets’ fan day? Remind them that Brady is just one year older than Chad Pennington, who has been retired since 2010.
The great thing is in a couple more weeks, when both the Yankees and the Mets don’t make the playoffs and the Jets and Giants are both 0-5, we’re going to hear EVERY Jets fan say, “see??? I TOLD YOU DARNOLD WAS A STAR!” when 12 seconds into a Twitter search will show they were trying to run him out of town. EVERYONE gave up on him, and if your Uncle Sal tells you otherwise? He’s a liar.
I’m really glad we got to see who Sam Darnold really can be with a good coach and a plethora of weapons (even if Christian McCaffrey could win the Panthers eight games all on his own). Maybe we’ll finally see a USC quarterback make something of themselves in the NFL.
Outstanding Directing for a Reality Program: Bill Belichick
Quick question. What alien race body swapped Bill Belichick? Because unless my eyes deceive me, that was a doppelganger out there running gadget plays and customizing the offense to fit a rookie QB who looks shaky at times.
Don’t be fooled. The Patriots aren’t a good team. But they might be an OK team and this year, that might be all it takes to grab a wild-card spot. “Big Mac and super-sized fries” Jones was incredibly efficient because, get this, he wasn’t asked to do things he wasn’t prepared for! Incredible what happens when you don’t task your rookie QB with being Dan Marino in his second game. Completing 22-of-30 for 186 yards, no TDs or INTs? Yes, please.
On the flip side, how bad was it for the J-E-T-S? So bad they were getting trolled at half time by Patriots linebacker Kyle Van Noy.
If you listen closely to the replay of Zach Wilson’s fourth interception, you can actually hear the sound of Wilson ROY Prop tickets being ripped up all across the country. Talk about dead money (and I’m not talking about his contract… yet).
I don’t know what the latest O/U on Jets wins this year is, but it’s got to be 2.5 or thereabouts. HAMMER the under. This team might win two games, if everything goes well.
The only question left for New York fans is to decide who’s a bigger disappointment, the Jets or the Giants.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: Henry Ruggs III
Monday night, when everyone had the Raiders dead in the water, all anyone seemed to talk about was why Henry Ruggs III wasn’t being targeted.
Oops.
Apparently Chuckie wasn’t actually lying when he said Ruggs would be more involved in the offense this year. Because he finally had his breakout game, and all it did was put the Pittsburgh Steelers on the brink of yet another crisis in the Tomlin era. Because the knives are out in Steel City and they’re squarely pointed for once not at a hoagie but at the head coach.
You know it's bad when Aditi, the NFL network’s Steelers beat reporter, is spitting hot fire facts about the team she covers on a daily basis.
Ruh roh.
Ben looks as flexible as a steel girder, Harris is averaging 2.8 yards a carry, and the defense can no longer live off the fumes of Dick Labeau and are getting exposed left and right. T.J. Watt went out with an injury which is SHOCKING considering he didn’t fully participate in camp. STUNNED. Who could have possibly seen that coming? Who is to blame?
Hint: Not T.J. Watt. Another hint: Rhymes with Spooney.
PSA to NFL owners: if you know you’re going to sign your star player, just sign them. Don’t make them hold out for six weeks to get what they want. Maybe then your season won’t be derailed by a groin strain that should never, ever have happened.
The Raiders are 2-0, Carr has the most yards of any Raiders QB in history in a two-game stretch, Waller and Ruggs are going to be PROBLEMS and this team is going to be a nightmare. Are the Raiders a contending team? LOL. But they will be the fly in the ointment for teams with championship aspirations all season. The ironic thing? It might take Vegas a bit to believe in what this Vegas team can do. I smell a team you might want to bet to cover for the next 6-8 weeks until they catch up.
I guess the moral of this Week 2 is that, yes, Sunday Obligations always feel better when the Cowboys pull out a win and Tom Brady will be playing football until he has a ring for every finger.
That’s just a few of my favorite storylines for the week. Can’t wait to do it again next Monday!
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