It's Boss' Bachelorette Breakdown, Baby! Here's how it works: I watch the show, I drink some wine, I take some notes. Then, I try to make sense of those notes and write a recap for you. So let's see how this goes!
Season 19 of The Bachelorette premiered on Monday, July 11th with not one but TWO Bachelorettes! (This is a very big deal and we will hear this A LOT.)
BUT lest we forget… we did actually have two Bachelorettes back in 2015 with Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson. Remember that? It was really mean. They made the guys vote Night 1 on which woman they wanted to be the Bachelorette for the season, and the guys ultimately chose Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn went on to be mega-super-duper rich and successful and Britt Nilsson…. hmmm well I actually just Googled her and she just had a second baby with her husband so I guess she’s doing okay.
Anyway, so our Bachelorettes this season are ICU nurse/former NFL cheerleader with a sense of humor Gabby Windey and flight instructor with the ‘scary’ Italian dad Rachel Recchia. These gals are BFFs on the journey to find love!
Hopefully, someone finds the rule book on how this is actually going to work because host Jesse Palmer admits he has no clue. He starts the show saying, “I don’t know how this is going to work, honestly.” LOL.
ABC: Two Bachelorettes this season! Whoa! Historic!
Literally everyone: Soooo how is this going to work?
SETTING THE SCENE
Gabby says goodbye to her cute dog and heads to the airport to meet Rachel who flies herself there, obviously... because she’s a flight instructor and she knows how to fly an airplane. I will admit it is a pretty cool shot but I do not believe she actually flew to LA from Florida.
They hug, they laugh, they cheer! They each drink a bottle of champagne straight from the bottle to the face! I love these girls.
We don’t get to see the usual 'get to know the contestant' videos where they bop around their hometown, take steamy showers, and run along the water while saying things like “I’m so ready to find love”... which, is a bummer. We do get to see footage from some of the guys' Bachelor watch parties when they find out there will be two Bachelorettes. I can’t wait for them to declare “I’m here for you!” when they had no idea who the Bachelorette(s) were going to be when they were casted.
Gabby and Rachel are chatting and are like ‘soooo do you know how this is going to work? No? Cool me either. So what’s your type?’
Rachel says she’s never dated a guy that made her laugh so she’s looking for someone with a sense of humor. Wow, the bar is low.
Gabby says she’s “dated them all…. the short kings, the tall ones, the funny ones, the smart ones, the dumb ones… I just want to be with someone who can make a decision.” I believe she’s referring to Clayton.
Gabby is funny – she is very real and says “I’m sure someone’s gonna try and play our a**. I don’t trust men. Not all of them anyway. Men have rightfully earned not being able to be trusted.” Yup, she definitely still hates Clayton.
We cut to commercials and I only mention this because there is a casting promo for upcoming seasons and it’s so blunt it’s incredible: “Your boyfriend’s a loser, everybody knows it. Go to ABC.com/casting now.”
OKAY LET'S MEET THE DUDES!
First out of the limo is Zach, 25, Tech Executive, Anaheim Hills, CA. He’s cute but he doesn’t remember his name.
Jason, 30, Investment Banker, Santa Monica, CA. He says he actually has something in common with Clayton – he’s in love with 3 women… his mom, his sister, and his dog Kiera. Gabby is into him… I think it’s kind of creepy to be in love with your mom, your sister, and your dog.
Aven, 28, Sales Executive, San Diego, CA. He tells the girls that he’s a family guy and both Gabby’s grandpa and Rachel’s dad Big Tony will approve of him.
Jordan H, 25, Software Developer, Tampa, FL. He brought headphones so that he could talk to each of the girls individually. The verdict on Twitter was that this was a nice gesture… but all I can think of is the scene in Old School where Vince Vaughn’s character tells his kid to “ear muff it.”
Jordan does tell Rachel that they only live an hour apart so that’s cool and is practical information.
Michael, 32, Pharmaceutical Salesman, Long Beach, CA. I’ve got no notes on this man so he must be normal (??).
Mario, 31, Personal Trainer, Naperville, IL. Mario dances out of the limo and Gabby is in love.
Ethan, 27, Advertising Executive, New York, NY. He juggles!!! He tells the girls “I’m not good at juggling two women but I promise you I’m quite the catch.” I am a fan.
Kirk, 29, College Football Coach, Lubbock, TX. He gives the girls a pep talk and then goes inside and gives the dudes a pep talk. He’s annoying me.
Logan, 26, Videographer, San Diego, CA. This guy brings two baby chickens with him. He’s “getting used to hanging out with two chicks”. The baby chicks are cute but I do not like this bit, nor do I like him.
Quincey, 25, Life Coach, Miami, FL. He calls himself Prince and says he hasn’t had sex in a year in a half. Both girls are like ‘uhhhh does he know who he’s talking to? That makes me want him less.’ Good luck, Prince.
Hayden, 29, Leisure Executive, Tampa, FL. I need to know what a 'Leisure Executive' is right now. He says he knows ‘Hayden’ sounds like Clayton but "I'm different because I'm gonna be thinking with this head and not that one"…referring to his brain and his crotch, respectively. Gabby is not feeling it.
We have a whole 'can ya not bring up Clayton' montage and then we get a freaking choir of children singing an original song entitled, “Clayton Sucks”. They air the whole thing. It’s like 2 minutes and it’s brutal. You can watch it below if you want. Then Alec, the guy who apparently ‘brought’ the choir of children, gets out of the limo. Alec, 27, Wedding Photographer, Houston, TX. He’s got a very long earring and yeah… I don’t like him.
James, 25, Meatball Enthusiast, Winneka, IL. Well, he definitely wins best occupation of the night. He shows up with a 10ft long meatball sub. The guys love him.
Justin B, 32, Physical Therapist, Solana Beach, CA. He’s barefoot. That's all I got on the dude.
Brandan, 23, Bartender, Carlsbad, CA. Showed up in a morph suit, not sure what he looks like, sounds like.... etc.
Roby, 33, Magician, Los Angeles, CA. I’m certainly not gonna knock a magician. I “became” a magician for a high school project back in the day, but this dude is strange. His bio says, “He's smart, well-read and an expert conversationalist.” However, his conversation with Gabby and Rachel was painful to watch.
John, 26, English Teacher, Nashville, TN. John messes up their names. YOU HAD ONE JOB, JOHN!
Tino, 27, General Contractor, Playa Del Rey, CA. Ohhh here comes Tino riding on a forklift! He says, “You two look forking gorgeous.” Rachel is in love and calls dibs. She can't wait to take Tino home to meet Big Tony.
Jacob, 27, Mortgage Broker, Scottsdale, AZ. He comes in shirtless on a horse lookin’ like Fabio, the cover of a romance novel, or Beyoncé. The girls are intrigued but, personally, I’m not feeling this dude.
Tyler, 25, Small Business Owner, Wildwood, NJ. My only note is “he’s from Wildwood!!!”
Joey and Justin, 24, Twins, Brookfield, CT. Love when they have twins on the show and their occupation is “twin” and “other twin”.
Spencer, 27, Venture Capitalist, Chicago, IL. SPENCER BROUGHT CHAIRS FOR THE GIRLS TO SIT IN AND HE WINS FOR ME. “It’s a long night in heels so here you go.” Swoon.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
Gabby and Rachel head into the mansion to give their speech and get to know the guys. Unfortunately the first guy they talk to *together* is the magician Roby. He does some tricks and tells them he doesn’t want it to be “The Roby Show”... then why are you doing all of these tricks, Roby!?
Oh wow then they talk to The Twins *together*. I am wondering if Gabby and Rachel are going to have to have every conversation together this evening…. if so, that sucks for them. The Twins are very young and really don’t have much to offer to the conversation besides “we’re twins!” Gabby tells the camera, “It ain’t doin’ it for me.” Rachel also tells the camera, “I’m not into it.”
Luckily they leave The Twins and set out on their own to talk to dudes.
Rachel is feelin’ Headphone Guy Jordan.
Gabby talks to Ryan, a 36-year-old Investment Director from Boston. He teaches her how to 'speak Boston' and he also shushes her like 10 times. She seems to love it? It’s that mean flirting that will certainly last a lifetime.
Hayden gives Rachel a birthday card and it works. She likes him.
Cut back to Gabby and she’s hanging on the shag rug with Shirtless Jacob. She is visibly drooling. He pulls out a piece of paper that lists all the qualities he’s looking for in a wife, including 'must be hot.' Okay, so he didn’t say exaaaactly that but I’m summarizing.
Now Rachel’s hanging with the other Jordan who happens to be a racecar driver. He brought one of his cars to the mansion so he took her outside to show her. Honestly, I’m liking this connection.
Gabby kisses Mario! First kiss of the season! It’s awkward! Bachelor Nation is uncomfortable!
Well now Rachel needs to have her first kiss! Low and behold TINOOOO! Rachel called dibs on him after his forklift entrance. Tino takes Rachel to the staircase because he wants her to make better memories on the stairs this season. (Rachel cried on the stairs a lot during Clayton’s season.)
They flirt. Tino asks, “Would you let me kiss you?” She’s like HECK YEAH.
We see Logan the Chick Dude chat with both ladies. We also see Erich, a real estate analyst with a modern-day mullet, play the field with both Gabby and Rachel.
I particularly like Mullet Erich's conversation with Gabby because Gabby is just so honest it’s hilarious. Mullet Erich tells Gabby she looks beautiful and she says “Oh thank you. I have fake hair, fake tan…. But you can’t tell because boys are dumb!” They kiss.
FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE
Rachel gives her first impression rose to Tino the Stairs Forklift Guy!
Gabby gives her first impression rose to Mario. I just don’t really understand their connection yet.
Mullet Erich is pissed. He thought he had a chance to get the rose from both of the women. LOL. Sucks to suck? I actually did like him prior to his reaction.
ROSE CEREMONY…. OR IS IT?
Gabby and Rachel are like damnnnn we didn’t even talk to like half of the guys here how are we supposed to give out roses?! Host Jesse Palmer is like ya know rules are there are no rules…. Do what you want!
Gabby and Rachel ask Magician Roby and The Twins to chat for a second. Oh yeah they’re totally sending them home.
Oooofff it’s awkward but they say goodbye to The Magician and The Twins!
They head back to the Rose Ceremony and tell the guys they’ve decided to cancel it and would like them all to stay. Pretty freaking sweet deal for some guys that probably would have been sent home IF they actually got to talk to them.
They cheers to love with champagne, we see a preview for the season which does look very dramatic and then we see Jesse Palmer shoveling horse manure from the mansion’s driveway to close out the night. I love this show.
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