My mind wandered under the hot sun over Patriots practice Wednesday, and got me thinking about the 2024 Patriots offense in that cliched way of ranking “weapons.” As a woman of a certain age (millennial), summer heat and the idea of weaponry only unlocked one metaphor for me: Nintendo 64 GoldenEye 007.
And the Patriots offense looks like a Klobb.
Let me explain.
If you were born anywhere between 1983 and 1993, the James Bond GoldenEye 007 game on Nintendo 64 was of the most ubiquitous illicit possessions in childhood bedrooms, on shelves next to Blink-182’s “Enema of the State” and, basically, anything Eminem-related. The goals of the game - other than avoiding its confiscation - ranged from spy missions to multiplayer contests, but it was all built on the backbone of an incredibly underrated game score and the ability to pick up weapons by running around pixelated hallways.
That brings us to the Klobb.
Was the Klobb the worst weapon in the game? No. But it wasn’t great. It fired and reloaded super slowly and had a funny Russian name, so your friends probably made fun of you. It also wasn’t very accurate. Best case scenario, maybe you could pick up two Klobbs and fire them at the same time. But you were basically lugging that Klobb around until you could find something better.
That’s who the Patriots offense appears to be, days away from opening the season in Cincinnati.
New England is coming off a historically bad offensive performance in 2023, averaging just under 14 points per game and tying Carolina for the lowest in the league. There should be nowhere to go but up from here.
But it’s difficult to shelve cynicism when head coach Jerod Mayo describes running the ball as “one of the best things they’ve done through the entire camp,” and he continues to extol the merits of being a running team.
The Patriots probably want to be a ground and pound team because their offensive coordinator ran that style of scheme in his previous stop, they have a lower-end starting quarterback, and their best offensive weapon is running back Rhamondre Stevenson. It’s a plan that’s…fine. Klobb.
Klobb, because they didn’t invest in an offensive line to help move the bodies and create holes that Stevenson and the backs behind him need to gain yards. Klobb, because Stevenson – though obviously gifted – has never been a top ten running back in his NFL career. He topped out at 13th in rushing yards in 2022. Klobb, because when facing teams with offenses like Cincinnati, Dolphins, Rams, and Bills, it’s hard to keep up through just the run – especially if and when you get down early.
It’s worth noting the locker room in Foxborough sounds supportive of the approach.
“The running will open up the pass game. I feel like, no block, no rock,” DeMario Douglas told WEEI.
“We have, I believe, one of the best backs in the league in Rhamondre. I feel like he’s probably very underrated around the league. But he has tremendous contact balance. He’s a great receiver and he has a great vision. He has everything you want in a back. So blocking for a guy like that makes things a lot easier because he can see things that a lot of backs might not see,” Hunter Henry said.
Again, Stevenson’s talent is unquestionable. But it’s hard not to look at the roster construction and wonder whether the approach was that this affordable, likely-underrated running back and Alex Van Pelt’s scheme is enough for an offensive identity.
Because the only other major positive Mayo highlights in his offense is starter Jacoby Brissett’s ability to make the right decision and avoid turnovers. That’s accurate. In his last stop as a true starter in Cleveland, Brissett only threw six turnovers in 16 games, which is great. But he also only threw for 2,608 yards and 12 touchdowns. That’s fewer than Mac Jones’ 2,997 yards and 14 touchdown passes in a 2022 season largely considered an offensive catastrophe.
It looks like the Patriots are going with this approach until young guys like DeMario Douglas, Ja’Lynn Polk, and yes, Drake Maye, blossom into something more. It looks like they’re hoping they’ll turn into rocket launchers, PP7s, and hand grenades, to empty rest of my GoldenEye memory bin.
It’s just hard to get excited about a Klobb when for two decades, you held the Golden Gun.