It’s that time again. Another weekend of football is behind us, and I’ve got thoughts.
Those thoughts begin with a subject near and dear to my heart: Dallas. And there’s a problem I haven’t been able to shake from last season, no matter how sexy this offense is.
His name is Mike McCarthy.
Watching Dallas Is Less Stressful Than Squid Game
Tony Romo said something that struck me during the broadcast during the game between Dallas and New England when the camera panned over to Kellen Moore. He said something along the lines of “he’s not going to be here next year unless something drastic happens.”
That thought sent shivers down my back and truthfully, should send spine tingles down the back of every Cowboys fan, even those who are six feet under. The idea of this team with no one to check Mike McCarthy’s horrible and antiquated instincts is like a horror movie in real life.
And we lived through the Jason Garrett era.
Dallas moved the ball with ease against New England’s “vaunted” defense all day long because of the plethora of weapons this team has, yes, but also, because Kellen Moore is like a Jean-Michel Basquiat out there in his prime.
Even Bill Belichick, who is slow as molasses to praise a young coordinator, had this to say about Kellen:
“I think (Kellen) Moore is one of the better offensive coordinators that we’ve faced. … It’s not just the players. It’s the scheme,”
And yet, even though Dallas had a total of 567 yards of offense, I was still so horrified, I had to turn on a nice, gentle, television series to calm my mind.
Squid Game.
You know, the hit Netflix series from Korea where about 138 people die every episode in truly and incredibly gruesome ways. I NEEDED to throw that on, because even watching organ harvesting felt less cringeworthy than the refs stealing (excuse me, reversing) not one, not two, but three trips into the red zone where Dallas should have scored but left empty handed.
I mean the next play where Dak fumbled? Should never have happened. This was the kind of daylight robbery that made Jessie James famous.
As everyone knows, the Cowboys came away with an incredible overtime victory. The thing is, all the good things about this team have not much to do with the head coach, and most of what goes wrong is his fault.
For example, the 12 penalties for 115 yards smacks of a team that lacks discipline. Connor Williams had three penalties in the fourth quarter alone. This is head coach stuff, folks.
Mikey Mac’s lack of understanding about how a clock works is well documented. It was on display AGAIN in this game when penalties forced them into 3rd and long at the end of regulation, and they ended up one yard short. Instead of running the clock down, he called a timeout ensuring that New England would get the ball with 20 or so seconds left.
Thank god Mac Jones isn’t Tom Brady.
Which reminds me of something I wrote about last year.
Faced with fourth-and-2 at the New England 33 (with 2:42 left) down 21-20, rather than use his No. 1 rated offense in a place to get the first, grind the clock, and make victory almost certain, he instead ran out Greg the (broken) Leg for a 51 yard attempt which predictably wasn’t close.
Of course, he got rescued by Diggs (baby Prime) and the defense. That’s Mikey Mac’s MO: fuck up and expect Dak or Diggs to save the day. And they’re so damn good, they usually do.
Tony Romo is right. Kellen Moore is going to get a head coaching opportunity. If Urban Meyer, Zac Taylor, and other less qualified NFL minds can get head coaching looks, Kellen will too.
I mean, imagine if this was New England and Josh McDaniels was the actual brains of the operations, manipulating Belichick to victory like the Wizard of Oz pulling levers behind a curtain. Kraft would immediately put McDaniels in the driver’s seat.
So let’s prevent disaster before it’s just the puppet running the show.
After the season is over, Jerry needs to give the keys to the castle to Kellen Moore (because someone is going to) and demote Mikey Mac to head watermelon smashing coordinator.
Has Anyone Ever Owned Another NFL Team Like Aaron Rodgers Owns the Bears?
After what was a predictable routine at Soldier Field, Aaron Rodgers trolled Bears fans in one of the most deliciously cruel ways I’ve ever heard in professional sports.
"All my f---ing life, I own you. I still own you. I still own you!"
That may be the single cockiest, arrogant, incredible thing ever said, and if you’re a Chicago Bears fan? You can’t even look Aaron Rodgers in the eye any more. If you ever meet him in person, you have to cast your eyes downward and bend the knee.
This is like when the Legions returned to Rome and got their triumph, and at the head of the parade was a cage filled with their conquered enemy’s king. Because make no bones about it, Aaron Rodgers doesn’t want to beat the Bears, he wants to conquer them. He wants them to surrender. He wants them to beg for mercy and even when they do, he will find new ways to humiliate them.
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He wants to drag Matt Nagy’s and Justin Fields' dead bodies around Green Bay as trophies. Like Joffrey did with Sansa’s father when he became king.
At this point, you’d think there’s nothing more Rodgers could do to Bears fans after 2018 when he literally came back from the dead to throw 3 touchdowns and beat them 24-23.
But this? This was maybe worse, because of how he rubbed it in.
These two teams play again December 12th on Sunday Night Football. If the Bears were smart, they’d pull a Ben Simmons and fake COVID, and call it a day.
Joey Burrow Has Every Tool To Be Great
Speaking of Rodgers, he recently gave an incredibly savvy piece of advice for young Joe Burrow in Cincinnati. Apparently, the two had a conversation after last Sunday’s botched kick-a-thon in the Jungle, and imparted this piece of wisdom:
"Slide. You’re too damn talented. You’ve got so much in front of you to accomplish in this league. Sometimes you gotta slide. I would've said the same thing to Andrew Luck."
First of all, what a shot at Andrew Luck, who might have been the smartest QB of the last 20 years but wasn’t quite smart enough to keep his head from getting taken off on the reg.
Second, it’s probably the best advice Burrow will ever get. Listen, Joey. We all know you like to be a hero. But guess what? That’s why they pay Joe Mixon and Jamarr Chase and Tee Higgins and everyone else on offense who do nothing but lift weights and run wind sprints so they can take the punishment necessary to get up from big hits.
You? You’re SUPPOSED to look like you subsist on Skyline Chili and Graeters. You’re not supposed to take big hits. If you do, men the size of mountains get fired. So don’t try and extend a goddamn play by two yards. Hit the ground. I promise no one will call you out. In fact, Rodgers has spent an ENTIRE career sliding and guess what? He’s still doing it at age 37 and shows no signs of slowing down. Hell, Tom Brady is like 50 now and he learned to slide when he was 22.
So, if you want to keep this Cincinnati renaissance going forward, don’t be a hero. Throw the ball away when you’re being chased, drop like a sniper victim when the blitz gets too hot, and for God’s sake, slide whenever you have to scramble.
You do that? And Cincinnati might just be the biggest surprise of the 2021 season and beyond.
A New Meaning for the Words Cleveland Browns
Baker Mayfield in a sling with a dislocated shoulder. Kareem Hunt carted off. Odell still suffering through a decade-long torn labrum. Nick Chubb on the sidelines in street clothes. Jarvis Landry in street clothes. And that’s the offense, folks.
Can you see the problem here?
This team is a walking IR report that threatens to give the Browns name a new meaning, because when blood dries? It isn’t red any more.
It’s Brown.
The Browns are in trouble.
Odell Beckham came back for like his 2nd game in forever, and yep, he left the game with a shoulder injury. A new one. Not the one he’s been fighting through since he was playing football at LSU.
Back in early August, my demo test for the BetMGM Tonight job was breaking down the Cleveland Browns with my now co-hosts Quinton Mayo and Ryan Horvath. At the time, I had never met either one, and I think they were taken aback at how much I thought the over on the Browns win total of 11.5 was unbelievably optimistic (actually, dead). The schedule is not their friend.
And guess what? They play again Thursday Night against the Broncos, which means they have to wheel this surgical tent out on the field on three days rest.
Yeah, that won’t add injury to injury, right?
So much else to talk about, so little time. That about sums up this week’s storylines on another Manic Monday.
See ya next week!
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