Have you ever wondered what horror movie monster you'd be based on your zodiac sign? Well, wonder no more thanks to the New York Post! Wicker is Jason Voorheis from Friday the 13th and Wilde is Candyman, which she accepts because he's just misunderstood....more on that if you keep scrolling.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Carrie “Carrie”
Aries folk are quick to react and regret. Enter Carrie White, protagonist of the eponymous 1970’s coming-of-age tale of menstruation, religious fanaticism, and murder. Flaring tempers are par for the course for an Aries, though in the case of Carrie, the flare is literal, and the death toll is high.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Jennifer Check “Jennifer’s Body”
Played by IRL bull queen Megan Fox, the titular character in Diablo Cody’s cult hit “Jennifer’s Body” exhibits some decidedly Taurean tendencies. Consider that our girl is hungry, horny, and so loyal to her BFF that she resists the urge to kill her even though every fiber in her undead being calls for flesh. True to her Taurus nature, Jennifer pretends like everything is fine after a deeply traumatic experience, lies about her body count, and eats her feelings.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Freddy Krueger “Nightmare on Elm Street”
Symbolized by the twins, the Gemini personality easily lends itself to leading a double life. Case in point: Freddy Kruger, who operated as both a family man and a child murderer. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication, and compared to other stalking, silent-types Kruger is a verifiable chatterbox. Played by real-life Gemini Robert Englund, he’s big on one-liners, dark humor, and stripes. Geminis have a famously hard time deciding on anything and/or distinguishing fantasy from reality and true to sign; Krueger gets his kicks from killing on both sides.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Jason Voorhees “Friday The 13th”
Jason Voorhees was born under the sun sign of Gemini, but his birthdate, June 16, 1946, reveals he has a stellium in Cancer, and folks, it shows. Despite their reputation for softness and sensitivity, Cancers are among the most resilient members of the zodiac; looking at you, double crab Courtney Love. In-kind, Voorhees was able to survive not only an attempted drowning but also an adolescence spent living off the land. Cancer is associated with the archetype of the mother, and Voorhees is nothing if not a big-time momma’s boy, exhibited in the shrine he builds to her severed head. Cancer is associated with the archetype of the mother, and Voorhees is nothing if not a big-time momma’s boy, exhibited in the shrine he builds to her severed head.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Pennywise “IT”
In the latest rendition of “IT,” Pennywise is played by real-life lion Bill Skarsgård. Leos are the showmen of the zodiac, and no villain puts on more of a show or displays a more outlandish flare for the dramatic than Pennywise, the antagonist of Stephen King’s “IT.” Leo rules over the fifth house of play, pleasure, and the inner child, sanctums Pennywise perverts, and exploits to terrible ends.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Leatherface “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
“Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s” Leatherface was based in part (no pun intended) on the real-life serial killer, body snatcher, and apex Virgo, Ed Gein. Virgos like to keep active and Leatherface is no exception. Virgos are an industrious bunch who hate to waste and our man routinely repurposes human flesh into meals and masks.
Burly in build, he is nonetheless adept at completing weighted HIIT-style cardio, chasing his victims at high speeds while balancing the unwieldy accessory of a running chainsaw. Virgos are an industrious bunch who hate to waste, and our man routinely repurposes human flesh into meals and masks.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Michael Myers “Halloween”
Michael Myers was born on October 19, 1957, making our man a card-carrying Libra. Air signs aren’t big on emotional displays, apropos of this, Myers says next to nothing and is most definitely dead-eyed behind his mask. The scales of justice symbolize Libras, and while our man certainly ain’t about keeping the peace, he is trying to democratize death and balance the scales by killing both of his sisters. Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of aesthetics, and this maniac routinely kills in the name of clothing; throughout the parade of “Halloween” films, he takes out truckers, mechanics, and gas station attendants, all in an attempt to keep himself looking utility chic and murder ready in his signature coveralls.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Candyman “Candyman”
What Halloween candy are you based on your zodiac sign?
Like most Scorpios, Candyman isn’t evil; he’s deeply misunderstood and prone to being undone and utterly unhinged by the power of love. He’s not so much a maniac as a man committed to vengeance and being remembered, a pursuit close to the dark heart of every Scorpio. In the original film, Candyman offers immortality to the woman who reminds him of his lost lover, the catch (or hook) being she has to become a killer, too. Scorpio is concerned with sex, death, and regeneration, making Candyman a kindred, candied spirit.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Jigsaw “The Saw”
Archers aim to make the best out of any hand they are dealt. In the case of Jigsaw, that hand is terminal cancer, and his silver lining is teaching others to appreciate and protect the lives they’ve been given. Sagittarius rules the ninth house of philosophy and lofty ideals. Though his methods may be questionable, our man is essentially a YOLO guru whose motives are to get others on board with being present, vital, and grateful.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Jack Torrence “The Shining”
In the Northern Hemisphere, the onset of Capricorn season is marked by the winter solstice, and no movie does more with barren weather than “The Shining.” In astrology, Capricorn is associated with the father archetype, and Jack Torrence, played with aplomb by Jack Nicholson, is the ultimate bad dad. Capricorns are notoriously terrible at accepting help, often taking on too much responsibility. True to form, Torrence operates in both the book and the movie as both protagonist and antagonist, a tall and telltale sea goat order.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Hannibal Lecter “Silence of the Lambs”
Hannibal Lecter’s birthdate is given as January 20, 1933, making our man an Aquarius sun with a (no surprise here) Scorpio moon. Aquarians are natural outsiders who possess brilliant minds emotional detachment, and a predisposition towards masks of the literal and metaphorical variety. Lechter is many things, a master manipulator, a linguist, a cannibal, but like most water bearers, he is never, ever, average. Aquarians have high hopes for humanity and curious ideas about how to serve the masses, for Lechter that means minding manners and dealing death to those who deserve it.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Samara Morgan “The Ring”
Pisces people are prone to drowning in booze, bubble baths, their tears, and/or the undertow of unrequited love. Samara, the pint-sized and straight-haired antagonist of “The Ring,” takes the bitter cake by being drowned by her own mother. Neptune, the planet of silver screens, nightmares, imagery, and madness, rules Pisces and Samara uses all of the above to communicate her pain and take her revenge, burning images onto transparent film with her mind. “I see them… and then… they just… are.”