According to Planet Fitness, seven out of 10 women find 'Dad bods' attractive. And according to Eric Bickel, Junkies producer Drab T-Shirt is cripplingly self-conscious about his breasts.
"I don't think girls care," EB said. "If you're funny, if you're charming, if you have money — all those trounce your body. They don't care about your dumb body. If anything matters, you've gotta have a decent face. So if your face is nubbs, that's not great. You've got to have a decent face. And your body doesn't matter. They don't care about your dong. They don't care about your dong shot. They don't care about your belly. They're very forgiving people."
For the record, that's one of the single funniest collection of words I've ever had the joy of transcribing.
EB: I'd say women really are superior humans. They give birth. They're smart.
Cakes: They're more connected emotionally to people.
EB: More connected.
Cakes: They're just better people.
EB: They're basically better parents. They do everything. And they're not superficial. Guys care about looks, tight bodies, silly sillies. I mean, you know what I mean?
Cakes: Sadly, I know what you mean. I shouldn't, but I do.
EB: But girls don't care. They generally don't care.
Drab: This says that 80 percent of women think Dad bods are a sign of confidence. I'm the least confident person with my body in the world. They don't see it that way.
Cakes: No. You gotta get out of your own brain, Drab. Your brain's getting in the way.
What follows below is a portion of the conversation that is wholly unnecessary. I mean entirely, 100 percent needless. The only purpose it serves — in vintage EB fashion — is to hurt Drab. Like, to wound him emotionally. Which is hilarious.
EB: I'm not saying this directing at Drabby. But I kind of am. Drabby's a little sensitive about like his nipples and his breasts.
Drab: Why does that gotta get brought up every day on the show?
EB: Because that's what it is! It's not your Dad bod. You're a little bit sensitive about your breasts.
Drab: Alright. Okay, go on...
EB: So, that's all. That's a little bit different than a Dad bod. When you have gynecomastia...
Drab: Alright! I don't know if I have that...
EB: That, I understand that. That, you should be insecure. But, but, like a Dad bod, nobody cares. Nobody cares.
Cakes: Cody, do you want to play a song to insult Drab like you did with Tommy Sheppard?
The real art of this is Bickel bringing it up like it's a valid contribution, as if to raise an important distinction to drive the conversation forward. When we all know he just stumbled into an excuse to roust Drab and his supple breasts.
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