THE CHEESE HAS BEEN CUT AND WE HAVE A ROOSTER RANT ALERT!
You can make that as funny as you want, but it's true: the Commanders have cut Camaron Cheeseman, the end of perhaps the first and likely the last saga where fans were hanging on every moment awaiting the fate of a long snapper.
"What other city in America, what other fan base would be so eagerly anticipating the news that we were just handed about 20 minutes ago," Rooster said to open his show. "No, not that the Jets and the Commanders are eliminated, making this Sunday's Christmas Eve affair at MetLife Stadium even more useless than it already was. Nope, not that the Commanders are currently still in fourth overall position for the NFL Draft. Only this tortured fan base was on eggshells waiting for the news that Ron Rivera, the guy who studied all the tape and the analytics to trade up for Camaron Cheeseman – who I'm sure is one heck of a nice guy – finally woke up and cut the cheese."
Rooster went through the whole timeline one last sad time, comparing long snappers to officials in that "we only really notice them when they're bad."
And only in this city, with this coaching staff, can special teams have been so bad, for so long, that it took 15 weeks for the fromage to be bid farewell.
"When Joey Slye did not get cut and they did not bring in competition, I lost all faith in how Ron Rivera and Nate Kaczor would handle special teams," Rooster said. "When I saw the show that they did in 2021 with Dustin Hopkins, how brutally they butchered that by hiring some jabroni from Home Depot who hadn't kicked in a game in seven years – and not even an NFL game – I lost all faith in humanity. They have butchered special teams in so many ways. I know it's just a smaller part of winning and losing football games, but they have butchered special teams so often that nobody on Earth should have been surprised that we got what we got yesterday – and you should only be surprised that we got Ron finally doing the deed."
And now, we move on?
"I'm sure they're probably working some dudes out today, and they'd already worked out like five guys earlier this year – and three of them that are still free agents, so I presume one of them will be the guy…but who cares?" Rooster said. "People around the NFL were texting me last night wondering if there was any way Cheeseman could've been on that plane back home.
Literally, people texting me like 'what the bleep is Ron doing?' Think about this: so bad, that even after the 42-hopper snap that barely got off the ground, Ron STILL tried the extra point late in the game instead of the two-point conversion and it failed because it got blocked!"
A perfect ending to a marriage of incompetence, it seems.
"For four years, you guys have mismanaged special teams more than you've mismanaged quarterback, the clock, the defense, the franchise, everything!" Rooster crowed. "Is there any other team in which special teams has been a constant nightmare? Just an absolute poop show. Even Lynnell wants to be the long snapper and thinks he can snap the ball better than you guys…and he's probably right!"
And yet, it could possibly be worse?
"People are gonna think I'm overreacting to this, but last year, Joey Slye was awful in training camp and in the preseason, and missed nine kicks during the regular season, and everyone said you're just stirring the pot," Russell said. "No, I was right! I was a visionary! Dustin Hopkins was struggling in 2021, and they waited, and waited, and waited, and then, who do you hire? A dude selling leaf bags and power washer material at Home Depot named Chris Blewitt! I mean, if there isn't anything more symbolic of the last four years, it's trading up for Camaron Cheeseman, who then delivers 42-hopper after 42-hopper yesterday to finally end it, and hiring Chris Blewitt, who hadn't kicked in a game in seven years, to replace Dustin Hopkins, who, by the way, is still kicking game winning field goals."
Take a listen to the entire rant above, and hear Rooster crow about cutting the cheese!
