“Has anyone’s kid transitioned before kindergarten?” As I typed the words on my computer and hit send to post the question, I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.
At first, I heard crickets and eventually the resounding NO and NOPES confirmed my suspicions. I was heading into uncharted territory. This was back in 2005. My transgender daughter (natal male aka assigned male at birth), Jazz, was 4 at the time and I was a member of an online support group (listserve) that I discovered the year before. It was the ONLY parent’s group I could find. My little “boy” wanted to live as a girl full time (transition). I was petrified and desperately turned to them for help.
At the time there were barely any resources. Transgender children were virtually invisible in mainstream media and I could not find a single book about trans kids. I scoured our local library for a, “How to raise your transgender preschooler” guide and came up empty handed. I searched the internet typing phrases such as; “boys who think they’re girls” or “boys who wear girls’ clothing” and all that turned up were various pornographic connotations. There was no Facebook...heck...this was many years before Chaz Bono, Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner became household names. My only saving grace was the listserve, but most of the parents had teens or adult children. There were a handful with elementary school kids, but Jazz was several years younger than those children. I felt so lost, so alone and I was terrified.
Once I did learn more about transgender youth the information was terrifying. 50 percent of transgender youth attempt suicide, they are at much higher risk of developing a mental health condition. Self-harm, physically bullying, harassment, substance abuse and sexual assault are prevalent...and the list goes on. My husband and I were truly devastated. What would happen to our child? What would her future look like? How would society treat her?
I searched the internet typing phrases such as; “boys who think they’re girls” or “boys who wear girls’ clothing” and all that turned up were various pornographic connotations. There was no Facebook...heck...this was many years before Chaz Bono, Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner became household names.
Back when Jazz was three, she was officially “diagnosed” with Gender Identity Disorder (now called Gender Dysphoria). The therapist was certain she was transgender, but had never treated a child, let alone a 3-year-old, and referred us to a doctor. Fortunately, we ended up in the hands of professionals who supported us and told us to shower Jazz with love and follow her lead. I later learned that during this time period many therapists were telling parents to discourage their gender non-confirming children and try to change their behavior. We never encouraged Jazz either way, but supported her and instead of making her feel “different”, we told her she was unique and special. Even though we knew how cruel the world could be, it never occurred to us to force Jazz to conform to be someone she clearly wasn't. We allowed her to express outwardly what she felt inside. We didn’t influence her gender. She knew she was a girl and was determined to make sure everyone knew too. There was no holding her back and with guidance from her therapist and my parent group we closed our eyes, held our breath, locked our hands, took the plunge and Jazz socially transitioned prior to kindergarten. Basically meaning, no more haircuts, no more boy clothes and no more male pronouns. The battle was over, but the fight was just beginning.
Jazz’s school wasn’t ready to welcome a transgender 5-year-old who was confident, proud and wanted everyone to call her Sparkles. The very conservative school principal wanted her to use no pronouns and dress gender neutral.
My husband and I were truly devastated. What would happen to our child? What would her future look like? How would society treat her?
We challenged the school and insisted they meet with our doctor, an advocacy group and our lawyer. At the suggestion of a friend we even turned to a local newspaper to put pressure on the school. It worked! Jazz was allowed to attend kindergarten as a girl, but only if we agreed that she couldn’t use the girls’ restroom. At the time we considered this a victory. Meanwhile, the article (using no facial pictures and pseudo-names) was picked up by the Village Voice in New York City.
ABC News caught wind of it and tracked us down. After 10 months of wooing us we agreed to go on 20/20, but only if Barbara Walters interviewed us and once again insisted on pseudo-names. We never had any intention of going public, or sharing our story, but we knew in our hearts that it was time for someone to step out of the shadows. We wanted to help, we wanted to create change, and we wanted society to embrace Jazz.
In the wake of the ABC story, the floodgates burst open and suddenly dozens of parents with young kids like Jazz emerged. New support groups starting popping up. Dozens morphed into hundreds and a movement was born. In 2007, we founded the Transkids Purple Rainbow and became advocates for transgender youth. It’s often tough to bare our souls in the media and give up privacy, but when youth tell us that we’ve changed or even saved their lives by sharing our story it validates our decision to go public.
A wise friend once told me that all parents need to learn to “Parent the Child You Have, and Not the Child You Wish You Had.”
I’m often asked about the changes I’ve witnessed. Have attitudes changed? Absolutely! Society has evolved and is far more accepting. Transgender visibility in the past decade has been remarkable. When our journey began, the word transgender was foreign to most. These days I hardly ever meet someone who doesn’t know the term and more than double claim to know a transgender person. In 2015, Jazz was even invited to the White House to meet President Obama. He told her he was proud of her and I almost collapsed to the ground due to the emotions his words evoked. Yes, the hate is still there and the death threats continue, but the outpouring of love and support has increased tremendously. When someone admits that we have changed their opinions towards transgender people...especially those who are admittedly bigots (or former bigots) my heart swells.
I have made it my life’s mission to advocate for Trans rights. I was once an insecure people pleaser; afraid to make waves, worried about what others may think. I’m a changed woman. Being a mom of four incredible children, one who just happens to be transgender, has made me a better person, a stronger person, a person who is no longer afraid. As Jazz says, “Haters are our motivators.” My skin has grown thick, my spine has grown strong. I will fight tirelessly for my child and other transgender youth.
For me, in the end, I chose life. I decided I’d rather have a living daughter than a dead son.
A wise friend once told me that all parents need to learn to “Parent the Child You Have, and Not the Child You Wish You Had.” Since then, I’ve repeated this comment to those parents who are struggling with the fact that their child is Trans. I implore them to accept their child for who they are. Imposing your expectations on others leads to disappointment. You might have to give up certain dreams you had for them and miss that person you imagined they were going to become. It may take time to learn who your child is, but once you embrace that person, a different kind of love develops. The preconceived notions of who you thought your child should be fall away and you are able to see them clearly for who they truly are. It really isn’t too hard. When you boil it down to the basics, it is all about LOVE. Children need unconditional love. It’s as simple as that.
Yet, there are too many parents who don’t feel this way. I’m sorry but I can’t relate to those parents who kick their LGBTQ kids out of their homes. I’ve read studies that say that 1 in 4 kids that come out to their parents are tossed onto the streets. Seriously? One in four?!?! Here are some words for them, “Dear unaccepting parents... If your child had a deadly disease wouldn’t you travel to the ends of the earth to find a cure? If someone held a gun to your child’s head, wouldn’t you take that bullet for them? Yet, you abandon them for being true to who they really are.” Unaccepting parents need to learn to bury their egos under unconditional love. It’s a child’s birthright to be loved and our job to ensure their unbridled happiness. For me, in the end, I chose life. I decided I’d rather have a living daughter than a dead son.
Would I have done anything differently? No.
We’ve saved lives, but I’m loathed. How’s that for a conundrum? We’ve been praised for being pioneers.
Although I’m humbled, I can’t own that title. Transgender people have always existed, those who came before Jazz are the pioneers. We blindly followed their path. We just did it before Jazz began kindergarten. No apologies, no misgivings no regrets. Just love.