With arenas and stadiums empty, topic-desperate media types have been blabbing on and on about sports movies even more than usual. This is a waste of everybody’s time for two reasons: one, it’s been done and two, the best sports movie ever is “Million Dollar Baby,” case closed.
Far more interesting, it seems to me in my quarantine-induced state of dizziness, would be a peek at the best sports movies that nobody’s seen yet. Given my film industry connections (not to brag, but I think I still have a Hollywood Video membership card somewhere), I thought I’d share with you previously undisclosed details concerning the next wave of sports films, all of which are certain to be huge box office hits.
You’re welcome.
A baseball version of the MJ-Bugs Bunny classic. The aliens play hardball against a human team that’s led by Mike Trout and includes beloved cartoon characters like Jose Altuve. Spoiler alert: the aliens win the first 3 games of the Galaxy Series, but once Altuve figures out their signs? The aliens don’t know what hit ‘em. Nor do they ever figure out who’s banging on the garbage can (Carlos Beltran).
Yes, Air Bud already mastered baseball in “Seventh Inning Fetch”. And yes, I’m ashamed to know that. But in this new chapter of the beloved series, Air Bud VI – playing each position himself – manages to defeat the Giants due to a series of calamitous – and hilarious! – managing blunders by Gabe Kapler.
Jesus Shuttlesworth’s dad is sent back to prison after the high school and college basketball seasons are cancelled due to coronavirus concerns.
The inspirational story of two once-loyal Tennessee Titans fans who decide to find someone else to root for after their team gives Ryan Tannehill $62 mil guaranteed instead of trading for Tom Brady.
Kinda weird. Barry Bonds meets “Groundhog Day”. Every day is Game 7 of the ’92 NLCS, and ends with Barry still unable to throw out Sid Breem at the plate to prevent him from scoring the winning run for the Braves. (Maybe he should’ve moved up like Andy Van Slyke suggested?)
You know the classic “Damn Yankees,” in which a fan sells his soul to the devil in exchange for a Senators’ pennant? In this one, a Tiger fan tries the same thing. But the devil has to turn down the deal. “Have you seen that lineup? They won 47 freakin’ games last year. Even I have my limits.”
I don’t have many casting details yet, but it’s safe to assume that Kevin Costner, Gene Hackman, and John Goodman will be in all of them. According to my analytics, they are in a combined 87% of all sports films ever made.