Are you worried about government overreach into every facet of your being? Great news- there's an Amendment for that!
On this episode of "Amazing Things, NOW!" we've got a real tremendous deal on a document you can use in almost ANY situation. No, I'm not talking about the Magna Carta, everybody thinks that! I'm talking about the U.S. Constitution!
Now I know what you're thinking. "Gosh, the U.S. Constitution? That must cost a fortune!" But what if I told you that it's free to use with your no-cost citizenship subscription as a natural-born member of the United States?!?
You'd say I'm CRAZY, right?
Well I'm not! These are AMAZING THINGS, NOW!!!
"Citizenship? Amendments? Gosh, I wouldn't know an Amendment from a Glowmendment from a Doughmendment. It's all Pig Farsi Sanskrit to me."
What if I told you it was written IN ENGLISH!!?? And you can read the whole thing, any time, without an interpreter, and use it in literally any situation! It was meant to protect you from the exact kind of things you're worried about!
You see, the Bill of Rights, and all subsequent Amendments to it, were written by inherently distrustful people.
"Whoa there, is that a selling point?"
You're darn right it is, Lucy! The writers of that document distrusted everyone so much that they separated out and decentralized every power they could possibly conceive. And just to be extra safe, they wrote all this down and formed an entire country's around it!
Worried about big brother checking to see if you moved $600 out of your bank account? THERE'S AN AMENDMENT FOR THAT!
"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches...shall not be violated." - Amendment 4
Worried those darn bureaucrats in D.C. are exceeding their boundaries? THERE'S AN AMENDMENT FOR THAT!
"The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively." -Amendment 10
Worried your governor or mayor is going to string out a public health crisis and keep kicking court cases down the road forever? THERE'S AN AMENDMENT FOR THAT!
"The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial." -Amendment 6
Worried about seeing an Australian-style crackdown? THERE'S AN AMENDMENT FOR THAT!
"A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." -Amendment 2
And that's just part of what you'll find in these incredible, handy, time-tested Amendments! These trusty little things have the full backing of the SUPREME COURT, and they're yours to use and quote for the low cost of zero dollars!
BUT WAIT, there's more! The bill of rights is only the first 10 Amendments! There are 17 more of these signed, sealed, and precedent-tested Amendments at your disposal, just for being a U.S. citizen!
Now go do whatever ya want, ya knucklehead! And if anyone gets in yer way, THERE'S AN AMENDMENT FOR THAT!
Ryan Wiggins is the author of the extremely serious and not funny robot novel, The Life of Human, and is a writer and producer of television shows. He is the host of Wiggins America on 97.1 FM Talk in St. Louis.
