After weeks of infighting, it looks like the players and owners are finally ready to put their swords down, reportedly laying the groundwork for a coronavirus-shortened MLB season. The return to play plan includes a number of new wrinkles including an expanded, 16-team postseason and the National League, at long last, embracing the designated hitter. Personally, I’m all for the universal DH—it will cut down on injuries and frankly, watching pitchers’ futile attempts to connect on 90-mph cheese has always been an eyesore. Give me David Ortiz socking balls into oblivion over Masahiro Tanaka swinging at air every day of the week.
But not everyone is as jazzed as me. Baseball purists would argue that the National League’s brand of strategy-driven small ball emphasizing sacrifice bunts and frequent substitutions was more subtle and cerebral than the AL’s comparatively unsophisticated “all or nothing” offensive leanings. There was also a certain whimsy to having pitchers bat, a hilarious fish out of water element that fueled years of blooper-reel fodder. SB Nation’s Jon Bois may have put it most eloquently, comparing pitchers batting to the spectacle of watching elephants paint. And though the vast majority of pitchers were easy outs, a fair handful (Madison Bumgarner among them) could rake. With the days of pitchers lugging around Louisville Sluggers all but over, let’s commemorate MLB’s century-long experiment by celebrating the best—and worst—of hurlers hitting.
Madison Bumgarner
In addition to being one of the league’s last true workhorse starting pitchers and one of the top postseason performers of his era, MadBum also has a knack for going yard. The Diamondbacks ace leads all active pitchers with 19 career homers and now that the NL is finally giving in after years of resisting the DH, it will probably stay that way. Bumgarner doesn’t hit cheapies either—five of his 19 career blasts have come at the hands of former Cy Young winners including longtime rival Clayton Kershaw. Who could forget the time Bumgarner (known in rodeo circles as “Mason Saunders”) kicked off the 2017 season with a pair of opening-day bombs including a 410-foot rocket off All-Star right-hander Zack Greinke (no slouch at the plate himself) in an extra-innings loss to Arizona? While I’ve long been a proponent of the universal DH, I’ll admit, watching Bumgarner dunk on opposing pitchers was always a delight.
Bartolo Colon
Colon is many things—rotund, durable, a relentless strike-thrower. But one thing he’s not is god’s gift to hitting. A lifetime .084 hitter, Colon was a strikeout victim in 166 of his 326 career plate appearances. But on May 7, 2016, something incredible happened. Colon didn’t just make contact (a rarity for the festively plump right-hander) with James Shields’ 1-1 offering—he straight-up slaughtered it. Petco Park couldn’t contain the 357-foot missile, giving Colon his first and, barring a robot apocalypse, only big-league round-tripper. They say good things come to those who wait. Well mission accomplished because it took Colon 226 at-bats and nearly 43 years of life to finally take flight. The marathon lap around the bases (I clocked his home-run trot at a leisurely 30.5 seconds), the dugout silent treatment—it all came together in a moment of unadulterated baseball beauty. Following in the footsteps of slapstick vets Chevy Chase and Michael Richards, Colon at the plate was a masterclass in physical comedy.
Zack Greinke
Most pitchers saw batting as a chore but not Greinke. The 36-year-old relished hitting, claiming during last year’s World Series that he wished the deciding Game 7 was held at a National League park so he could get his cuts in. The well-traveled veteran (the Astros are his sixth team) flashed his hitting chops by drilling three homers en route to a crisp .280 average in 2019 (50 at-bats), earning him his second career Silver Slugger. That will go nicely with the other hardware in his trophy case including six Gold Gloves and the 2009 AL Cy Young Award. Greinke wasn’t going to get many reps at the dish this year anyway, but now that the DH movement has reached the National League, the Astros star can probably put his lumber away for good.
Mike Hampton
Hampton weathered plenty of rough patches, but even when opponents got the best of him, the slick southpaw could usually rely on his potent bat to make things right. The two-time All-Star was always a tough out, collecting 16 homers and 79 RBI over the course of his 16-year career. Talk about a love/hate relationship—hitter-friendly Coors Field in Denver was both the bane of Hampton’s pitching existence (5.75 ERA in two seasons for the Rockies) and the venue where his bat shined brightest (combined .315 AVG, 10 HR, 21 RBI in 2001-02). Hampton’s seven long flies in 2001 are the most by a pitcher this century. The left-hander was anything but consistent on the mound, but his expertise in the batter’s box made him a unique dual-threat.
Dan Haren
Haren, whose online candor and amusing self-deprecation has made him a popular Twitter follow (his Twitter handle alludes to his underwhelming fastball velocity), only batted .200 for his career but for whatever reason, nobody could solve him in 2010 when he hit .364 with an eye-popping .527 slugging percentage across 55 at-bats. The right-hander delivered his magnum opus that year, shredding the Cardinals (his former team) for a career-best four hits in a 9-7 D’Backs victory. With designated hitters now the industry gold standard, Haren may go down as the last pitcher to log four hits in an MLB game, as the right-hander was quick to point out to his 118,000 Twitter followers. Haren’s body of work probably won’t get him into Cooperstown, but no one can take away his 83 major-league hits with 54 of those accomplished during his superb three-year run in Arizona.
Ron Herbel
Herbel, who last pitched in 1971, may be the worst hitter MLB has ever produced. The Colorado native was a catastrophe offensively, hitting an anemic .029 for his career (6-for-206 with 125 strikeouts). To Herbel’s credit, the right-handed reliever improved gradually as the years went on, contributing five hits over his final 98 at-bats after beginning his career in a ghastly 1-for-108 funk. To call Herbel—who went a disastrous 0-for-47 with 30 punch-outs for the Giants in 1964—an offensive liability would be a gross understatement. Hell, with Herbel’s abysmal technique, he may as well have stepped to the plate with chopsticks and oven mitts. It wouldn’t have made much difference.
Jon Lester
Lester has carved out a brilliant career for himself, quietly ranking fourth among active pitchers in wins (190) and eighth in strikeouts (2,355). The left-hander could go toe to toe with anyone in his prime, though his tepid hitting exploits leave much to be desired. Lester battled the yips for nearly a decade before finally tallying his first hit—an infield single off former Red Sox teammate John Lackey—ending a miserable 0-for-66 (0-for-71 if you include the postseason) dry spell at the dish. Maybe the key to unlocking Lester’s hitting potential was simply getting more reps. He’s acclimated himself nicely in recent years, homering in each of his last three seasons while submitting a career-best .188 average in 2019. Now if only the 36-year-old could someday conquer his crippling fear of throwing to first base.
Michael Lorenzen
Lorenzen, who moonlights in the outfield on top of his pitching responsibilities, delivered magic with a single swing in 2016, going oppo for a three-run shot in Cincinnati’s 9-2 rout of the Dodgers on August 19. It was a goosebumps moment for Lorenzen, who slugged his first career homer just days after losing his father to a months-long illness. Since then Lorenzen has grown into one of the league’s better two-way contributors, belting four homers in 2018 with three of those coming in a single week. Even with the designated hitter now at their disposal, look for the Reds to continue to find at-bats for the talented 28-year-old.
Babe Ruth
Before Shohei Ohtani, there was the Sulton of Swat. The younger generation may not remember that Ruth, best known for his monumental offensive feats (his career and single-season home run marks both lasted for decades) was, at one time, among the league’s top left-handed arms. The Bambino logged a Herculean 323 2/3 innings in 1916, posting a minuscule 1.75 ERA while guiding Boston to its second straight pennant. The stogie-puffing Baltimore native hit a respectable .272 in limited at-bats that year (152 plate appearances), though few would have guessed he’d go on to become one of the most feared sluggers to ever grace a big-league diamond.
Carlos Zambrano
Zambrano wasn’t the easiest player to get along with during his 12-year major-league tenure spent almost exclusively with the Chicago Cubs. The high-maintenance hurler made plenty of enemies along the way, though Zambrano’s fiery demeanor shouldn’t take away from what was a standout career offensively. Only six pitchers in the sport’s history have totaled more homers than Zambrano, who went deep 24 times in a career that spanned 693 MLB at-bats. The 6’4,” 275-pounder obviously had plenty of pop, but he could hit for average as well, batting .300 or better on three occasions. Zambrano feasted against the Reds, tormenting Chicago’s division rival with seven jacks including towering blasts off Kyle Lohse, Johnny Cueto and Aaron Harang.
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