The idea of being in an open relationship is definitely not for everyone, but the amount of couples in open relationships has definitely been on the rise.
A YouGov poll in April 2021 found that a quarter of Americans would consider a non-monogamous relationship, and a study published in Psychology & Sexuality suggests that people in open relationships were 20% happier than more traditional pairings!
Tammie Nelson, director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute in California, says that the pandemic led to a surge in couples who may not have considered otherwise talk about an open relationship.
She says, "More people than ever before are creating a monogamy agreement that works for them. Monogamy may be an idealized version of love, but is not practical in a world where couples marry later, live longer and find themselves outside of the historical/social constructs that don't align with their values."
Because entering or navigating an open relationship can be an extremely tricky situation, Newsweek asked three non-monogamous people to share the common mistakes people make when opening up their relationship for the first time.
Those mistakes include:
Failing to communicate
Paul and Jane are a couple in their 60s who are in an open relationship, and they say they "built our relationship on trust and we both agreed that we could discuss anything together."
Nelson also points out that honesty is crucial for a successful open relationship. "It takes a lot of vulnerable communication," she says. "If you want to open your arrangement, are you ready to be that honest and transparent?"
Being inconsiderate of your partner's feelings
Bob and Linda have been married for 25 years. Bob has two girlfriends, and Linda has a boyfriend.
Bob believes it's important for your original partner to be on the same page, which includes a willingness to end any additional relationships if your significant other requests it. He told Newsweek, "Whenever my wife has wanted to pull the plug, we've pulled the plug, and she would have no problem doing the same."
Nelson also says a strong foundation was important for an open relationship that lasts. It's not a way to save an already faltering marriage."
Expecting too much
Marie describes herself as a "solo-poly." Though she has two boyfriends, Mark and John, she lives alone.
"I really like living alone. I like having the space to myself and being able to make my own decisions," she told Newsweek. "The time we spent together is quality time, it's not me going 'for f**** sake, how could he not have taken out the trash?'"
Marie also has a good relationship with both boyfriends' wives, who also have other partners of their own. However, she knows this set-up isn't for everyone.
"If what you want is someone you're going to live with or to take home to meet your parents, it's not a great idea to get involved with somebody who is married," she said.
Not setting boundaries
Shortly after Jane and Paul married, they started sleeping with another couple, who were close friends.
Paul says, "One night, we all ended up getting together and having a great time. Next thing you know, they were having sex next to us and we were having sex [side-by-side].
"After that, we started getting together with them on a regular basis and having sex with them, but we had set rules."
Although Paul believes boundaries are important, this doesn't mean the rules can't change over time, as long as all parties are happy. He says, "With us, it started out with no intercourse, but over time we thought, 'Why not?'"
Failing to keep jealousy in check
Even though Bob initiated the open relationship, he admits that he struggles with jealousy.
He says, It's important to work on yourself and your insecurities if you want the relationship to succeed. "It's thoughts like, 'Is that guy better than me?' I've felt jealous a dozen times and I probably will again, but it's an internal thing and I've solved it each time."
Choosing the wrong people
Who someone considers "right" or "wrong" will vary.
Discretion is important to Paul and Jane, so their partners are always people in their social circle they know they can trust.
Paul says, "I know there are several people that will only [sleep with] strangers. We're the opposite, all of our relationships have been with close friends."
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