It's Boss' Bachelorette Breakdown, Baby! Here's how it works: I watch the show, I drink some wine, I take some notes. Then, I try to make sense of those notes and write a recap for you. Here we go!
The episode opens up with Rachel and Gabby chatting in the Bachelorette Pad. It’s a rainy day in the Bach Land so they’re wondering what they can do now that they can’t have their scheduled pool party. They joke with each other, “how do we get them to show us their six pack abs!?!”
Back at the mansion, we see all 29 guys waking up in various places: couches, the floor, outside. It’s an evil genius move by the Bachelor producers, there are just not enough beds for all of these dudes! I mean, *how would they know Gabby and Rachel were going to cancel the rose ceremony last night!?!? Mwahahaha.*
Gabby and Rachel walk into the mansion, give the guys surprise gifts and tell them the plan for the day – there’s going to be a pageant! Oh, and the surprise gift is a speedo for each suitor. Second episode and we’re already getting up close and personal with these dudes. We see a montage of all the dudes awkwardly putting on their speedo, doing pushups, rubbing themselves with oil (hahaha) it’s ridiculous.
Host Jesse Palmer kicks off the pageant with the rules, “You will disrobe and you will show us your ‘look’ forwards and backward…” Well, you can imagine the rest or, as Tino Forklift eloquently noted, “So many butts.”
THE PAGEANT
Logan’s up first. He kind of looks like actor Will Forte, amiriteeee?
Logan tells the camera, “Sorry to my mom, sorry to my dad, sorry to my niece. Never watch this.”
I’m not sure what Gabby and Rachel say but the next thing I know Logan is saying something like ‘before a relationship can turn into a butterfly it has to start as a worm’ and then HE DOES THE WORM!! IN HIS SPEEDO!!!
It’s stiff competition during the talent montage. We see lots of juggling, headstands, and then the guy nicknamed Meatball just dumps sauce on his chest… What. A. Talent.
Then we see Chris (who I don’t even remember from last week but ohhhh will we remember him this week), he dribbles a basketball for his talent and makes everyone stomp along. He says he’s an alpha male and likes to lead. We hate this guy already. Oh, and then he sings an impromptu lil’ ditty and Gabby is visibly repulsed by his voice. The editors update his occupation on the screen from ‘Mentality Coach’ to ‘Tone Deaf’. Savage!
THE FIRST DATE CARD
Aven
Logan
Brandon
Jason
Colin
OMG all these names end in ‘N’!
Okay, let's add Johnny to spice it up.
First we see Rachel and Jason chatting and he tells her upfront that he feels a connection to Gabby. He says he can tell Rachel is a truly genuine person etc. Honestly, I find it a very respectable move.
Meanwhile Gabby is talking with Johnny and then they make out. Rachel sees it and is a little discouraged. She says she’s ‘feeling off talking to the guys, it’s just like friendly small talk that you would have with your cousin’.
But lo and behold things start to turn around, Rachel talks to Logan AKA Will Forte and they kiss! Woohoo! I’m not really a fan but I’m happy for her.
Oh wowwww now he’s with Gabby!!!! He asks to kiss her! They kiss!
Aww geez then we see Gabby and Rachel talking and Rachel is gushing over Logan. Gabby’s face is like yiiiikes. Gabby tells the camera, ‘Rachel feels very strongly about Logan so I want to give her the space to explore that. It’s really not worth stepping on toes’. She’s the best. So is Rachel. #GirlPower. Also, Logan is really not worth it.
Rachel gives her date rose to Logan and Gabby gives her rose to Johnny.
RACHEL’S ONE ON ONE DATE
Rachel picks Jordan V. the racecar driver! This makes sense to me.
They leave the mansion in a very cool car and are headed to an airport to do that zero gravity thing on an airplane. Same thing that Nick Viall did on his season with Vanessa and the poor girl threw up. Soooo yeah, let’s see how this goes.
These two look really cute together. #TeamJordan
Back at the mansion we’ve got Tone Deaf Chris stirring up some *dRaMa*! He’s talking about fantasy suites, and says that when he gets to that point (because he will) that if either of the women have *relations* with another guy he would leave.
The other dudes are like… ‘ummm you’re rubbing us the wrong way, you’re condescending’ etc.
Back on the date we see Rachel and Jordan V. at dinner and Jordan begins the classic ‘I’m a product of divorce’ conversation. Happens every season! Apparently Rachel isn’t feeling it and excuses herself from the table to go talk to producers. She wants to send him home even though he’s ‘incredible’ but something is missing. The rest of us are like whoa whoa whoa settle down lady. He’s cute. He’s not rude and he’s not a psycho yet, that’s really all you need at this point. Does Gabby get a say!?!?
From the editing, it looks as if Jordan can actually hear Rachel’s conversation with producers. So yeah, that’s pretty uncomfortable. She comes back to the table, picks up the rose, only to tell him that she can’t give it to him. Rachel sends the racecar driver on his not so merry way. See you in Paradise buddy!
GABBY’S ONE ON ONE DATE
Gabby chooses Nate. Nate is 33 and has a good job. What’s he doing on the Bachelorette!? LOL. She invites him over to the Bachelorette Pad. Rachel is in the kitchen when he arrives and the three of them have a glass of champagne together. It’s kind of weird.
Gabby and Nate go outside to look at the beautiful view and oh wow they’re already kissing!
A helicopter arrives (classic Bach date) and they fly past the mansion while all the dudes look on (classic Bach scene).
Cut to: Gabby and Nate in the hot tub! First hot tub date of the season ow owwww. They’re chatting and doing different voices it’s pretty goofy and cute.
Later at the dinner date Nate reveals that he has a 6 year old daughter. Gabby has tears in her eyes… happy tears? Honestly not sure. Either way, she gives him the date rose.
COCKTAIL PARTY
Mario, who got the first impression rose from Gabby, decides he should get to know Rachel. They are flirting and Gabby sees it and she looks… bothered.
Oh yay it’s the guy from Wildwood!!! His name is Tyler. Apparently he and his brother own a bunch of those boardwalk basketball games. Rachel kisses him.
Time to stir up some more drama!
Quincy is pretty much like I feel like we should tell Gabby and Rachel about all the crazy stuff Tone Deaf Chris was saying. Let’s rally the troops!
Quincy and two dudes who I don’t remember tell Rachel about Chris and his fantasy suite comments. Rachel is fired up! She goes to Gabby. She tells her what Chris said about fantasy suites and Gabby’s reaction is literally, “Ewwwwwww”. LOL. They’re both like we haven’t even had one conversation with the dude.
It’s confrontation time. Gabby and Rachel ask to speak to Chris. They ask him if he thinks it’s appropriate to be talking about fantasy suites this early… and he like dances around the question in a condescending tone and I just don’t like this man.
He tells them, “If I think about love, I think about it all the way through to the end, and then work it backwards from there.” What kind of psycho babble BS is that?!
OMG wait I’m just remembering he’s a ‘life coach’ – come on man!
Gab and Rach are like ya gots to go! Let’s walk you out. He’s like ‘how do I get out from here?’ they’re like…. JUST WALK.
Rachel: That was so condescending. I am sweating. You handled that beautifully.
Gabby: I thought you did!
Gosh I really love these girls. They each deserve their own season!!!!
OMG wait is Tone Deaf Chris coming back?!?! Hahaha. Wow he comes back and asks to speak with Nate, Quincy, Jordan and Aden. Gab and Rach are like ARE YA KIDDING ME? GET OUT OF HERE DUDE. He better not end up on Paradise. We don’t want to see this man again.
ROSE CEREMONY
So we’re all wondering how this is going to work. Well, roses are coming from both women… at least for tonight.
Gabby kicks it off giving a rose to Jason. Then Rachel gives one to Aven, and they keep alternating:
Mullet Erich
Zach
Jordan
Quincy
Michael
Tino
Jacob
Tyler - Yay Wildwood!
Hayden
Meatball LOL not sure if he has a real name.
Kirk
Spencer
Alec
Ethan
Wowwww Mario is sweating! He got the first impression rose from Gab…. Are they gonna pick him or no? You know producers are like…we need more draaamaaaa, make him sweat! Mario gets a rose!
The episode ends with a spaghetti and Meatball date a la 'Lady and the Tramp' style with Meatball, Rachel and Gabby. That's amore!
Want more Boss's Bachelorette Breakdown? Read last week's recap here.
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