At this time of year, there’s probably no better analogy for the way the Steelers have won the three games that they’ve won than that of a sometimes aimless, oftentimes hard-to-kill zombie or horror movie villain.
Picture Michael Myers, for example, of the Halloween series deliberately walking, even slowly stalking, after his intended victim(s) as they seemingly sprint at full speed, only to stumble, trip, and fall down long enough for him to catch up and get in the few well-placed strikes it takes to kill them.
On Sunday, the Ravens had opportunity after opportunity to put a shiv in the zombie Steelers’ collective brain and finally stop them. But they continually stumbled, fell, and finally succumbed to the same ending everyone meets in every slasher flick: A painful death at the hands of a gruesome monster.
The Steelers offense is grotesque. It’s rarely successful and often bad.
And yet, somehow, it’s done enough to help get to 3-2 and 1st place in the AFC North after five weeks.
In the case of Sunday’s victory, it’s only because they failed to kill the bad guy on at least half a dozen occasions.
Let’s start early in the 2nd quarter, where the Ravens had arrived with a 10-0 lead -despite a key Zay Flowers drop- after holding the Steelers to just a single first down in the first 15 minutes. With a 1st & Goal from the Steelers’ 4-yard line, the Ravens produced zero points, in large part due to another drop – this one by Rashod Bateman in the end zone.
Despite missing their first chance to kill the zombie – let’s be honest, a two touchdown lead on an offense that can’t score touchdowns is about as insurmountable as it gets – the Ravens were still alive, running away from the slow march of the masked marauder.
With five and a half minutes left in the 1st half and in field goal range, Baltimore’s Justice Hill had the ball punched free from his grasp by Larry Ogunjobi. The Steelers headed back the other way and converted a Chris Boswell field goal to get points on the board, complete a six-point swing and pull within 10-3 despite all available evidence indicating they should’ve been down 17-0.
This was Freddy Kreuger’s razor sharp claws shredding the back of a victim’s shirt as they run away: Not final, but frightening enough to remind you that the bad guy can get to you if you refuse to kill him.
Before halftime, another chance for the protagonist of this particular film to finish off the bad guy was at hand. With less than :30 left, the Ravens had a 4th & 2 at the Pittsburgh 23-yard line staring in them face, and a chance to go into intermission with a double digit lead just a comfortable poke from the game’s greatest kicker away.
Instead, they opened the door to the basement and a chainsaw-wielding psycho came charging out. An ill-advised conversion attempt was snuffed out by a Steelers blitz, and another three points were left on the field. Instead of going to the half up 20-0, the Ravens had just a single TD lead, 10-3.
The zombie wasn’t just surviving now, it was thriving, with the scent of blood hanging in the cool October air.
Before long, another opportunity to kill the monster arrived, via a wide open Nelson Agholor streaking down the Steelers’ sideline late in the 3rd quarter.
It slipped, literally, right through his hands. With three quarters of the game gone, what should’ve been a 27-0 thrashing was instead still just a one score game.
And wouldn’t you know it, Jason Voorhees could smell the fear of the Crystal Lake campers. Of all people, Miles Killebrew dragged them into the woods with a blocked punt. Then, four minutes later, another massive drop by Flowers in what would’ve been Justin Tucker’s field goal range.
It should’ve been 30-0. Heinz Field should’ve been empty with nothing but a few straggling boo birds still around. Instead, it was 10-5, Ravens. And after another stop by the Steelers defense, it was like the guy in the Scream mask finally getting his hands on Neve Campbell. Until Gunner Olszewski nearly ended our horror movie franchise with one ill-timed fumble.
Here were the Ravens, just 7 yards from vanquishing the ghoul and getting out of the house alive. Sure, had they just killed the bad guy hours ago as they should have in the first place, they’d be up 37-0. But even just a field goal would make it an eight-point game with less than five points left. And again, against an offense averaging a touchdown a week, a comeback wouldn’t be likely.
But wouldn’t you know it, like Michael Myers’ niece in Halloween 2, the legacy of tormenting Baltimore football fans continues through another generation via a Joey Porter, Jr. end zone interception.
And here comes the bad guy, given new life via a critical mistake, as Marlon Humphrey was left on an island against George Pickens, and the zombie finally sunk it’s teeth into the flesh of the protagonist.
A game that should have ended in a Ravens’ rout instead went the Steelers’ way, and now, a team that is horrifically bad at times is still alive.
The zombie marches on, toward the horizon, thirsty for the taste of teams who refuse to put away the grotesque being when presented the opportunity.
And, in all seriousness, that’s what the Steelers are: A team that needs to be sustained by the opponent’s mistakes. A team that can’t kill you unless you open the door and nearly kill yourself inadvertently. But they’ve managed to do it three times in the first five weeks of the season, and like any good horror movie franchise, it’s a safe bet that there will be sequels.