Former Navy Destroyer Commanding Officer Jay Wylie recently told the CBS' Eye on Veterans podcast how drinking brought his 22-year military career to a halt, how he kicked booze to the curb and how he’s now dedicated his life to helping veterans and non-veterans do the same.
“From a very young age I figured out I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself,” he said. “I decided that I wanted to be like the guys I saw on TV and the movies. I wanted to be a hero, like John Wayne, James Bond, especially Pappy Boyington.”
Growing up, Wylie said he did not drink, smoke or do anything that would damage his chances of getting an ROTC scholarship.
“I got one and off to college I went,” he said. “Now, I was going to do what I saw my heroes do and what the guys around me do – drink.”
Wylie recalled the first drink he took in college, which came from a “senior girl I had a crush on. She thought it would be funny to get the freshman drunk and made me a Grasshopper. I basically ended up drinking everything that girl put in my hand.”
The drinks made Wylie sick, but he said he didn’t care because he found a “miracle elixir” that made everything better.
Wylie soon learned to drink as hard and fast as he could, and the pattern continued after he joined the Navy, where he found himself responsible for others.
“I took my job very, very seriously,” he said. “What I found out about myself, what I didn’t realize at the time, I couldn’t even admit it, was that deep down I was a very fearful person.”
Wylie said a lot of his fear stemmed from his own desire to excel.
“My life became a cycle of being terrified of the next operation, the next evolution, the next mission, fearing it wasn’t going to go well … So, how did it go? Pretty well, because I was pretty good at my job.”
However, Wylie said he would obsess over not having perfect evaluations and the only way he could turn off his feelings of guilt, shame and remorse was to drink.
“I was good at my job, so I would get more responsibility and those feelings just got worse,” he said.
Wylie said he became a blackout drinker and had no idea what his enlisted crew was talking about when they said, “You were pretty funny last night, Captain.” He also did not recall “almost getting into a fistfight with a Senior Chief while on liberty.”
“I was terrified that something bad was going to happen, so my solution was no longer drinking with others,” he continued. Instead, Wylie would get “a hotel room while in port” and drink by himself.
Wylie said using alcohol to cope with the stress of military life was often seen as the lesser of two evils by those who served in the 1990s and 2000s.
“We were like, okay I’m not going to do drugs because I’m going to get pee tested and I’m going to get caught and get kicked out. So, how am I going to deal with this stress? I’ll just drink.”
While the drinking culture isn’t quite what it was then, Wylie said it is still celebrated in the military today. He recalled advice given to him by his captain after returning from a deployment.
“He put his arm around me on the bridge and said, Jay go home and have a couple of scotches and you’ll be fine,” Wylie said.
That might have been good advice for some people, but for Wylie, it wasn’t.
“I was actually a really good captain when I was sober,” he said. “Rescued a tanker that was being attacked by pirates. The thing I’m most proud of is we made it home without losing anybody.”
Wylie said even with his professional success, his drinking was “off the chain.”
He shared a remorseful look at his drinking problem, “I ended up getting so drunk and stupid on liberty with a couple of female crew members, that I broke every rule in the Captain’s book.”
His booze-fueled behavior eventually led to charges, which resulted in Wylie being relieved of command of USS Momsen (DDG-92), a court-martial, and being sentenced to 42 months.
In hindsight Wylie revealed, “as painful as that was… that’s what it took to get me sober.”
Wylie has now been sober for over 13 years and his journey sparked a passion to help his fellow veterans who struggle with substance abuse.
“I was able to take the purpose the military gave me and to replace it with a new purpose, which is to stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety,” he said, explaining that a 12-step program helped him get and stay sober.
Wylie explained that while the 12-step program stresses a reliance on a Higher Power, that does not necessarily mean a belief in God, just in something greater than yourself.
Wylie said the military’s warrior ethos – centered on team building – also makes it difficult for those struggling to ask for help.
“We want to be reliable, dependable, consistent and professional,” he said. “The team can always rely on me and I’m never going to ask for help.”
Wylie now serves as the Veteran Coordinator and Operations Manager of Confidential Recovery, a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center in San Diego, California.
“We try to meet people where they are at and support their recovery goals,” he said.
Confidential Recovery works with the Department of Veterans Affairs if medically assisted treatment for substance abuse is suggested for its veteran clients, Wylie said. An alumni group of veterans and first responders who have found and maintained sobriety also meets weekly and helps newcomers to the program.
Confidential Recovery has also started the nonprofit Veterans Navigation Center, which creates a pipeline for program alumni to become qualified as peer support specialists. They help veterans maintain sobriety and even assist them with the VA benefits process- which many become frustrated with, often leading them back to the bottle.
“For many who are struggling with addiction, you’re not a bad person,” he said. “It doesn't mean you are not capable of doing good things, great things. It’s the addiction to the drugs and alcohol that are holding you back.”
Reach Julia LeDoux at Julia@connectingvets.com.
Reach Phil Briggs at Phil@connectingvets.com.