Welcome to the debut of a new series, Asinine Analogies. The stretch between the end of the NBA playoffs and the start of the NFL preseason leaves a lot of time for a mind to wander, so let’s head somewhere totally useless.
Former Patriots quarterback Cam Newton’s father inspired this particular exercise. Cecil Newton once told his son the Patriots offense he commanded was “a 2002 red Civic with a yellow passenger door with a bungee cord holding that door.”
Such imagery! So, what would these AFC East teams be?
New England Patriots
If, say, the 2014 Patriots team was a Land Rover Range Rover with chrome wheels, the 2023 Patriots are…a Honda CR-V. Hey! A CR-V is a nice, dependable car! Snob.
This team, including the addition of coaches Bill O’Brien and Adrian Klemm, is built for dependability, ease of use, and cost-effectiveness. They’re not going to look ugly, but they’re probably not going to have anything all that notable to show off either – except maybe safety features (Kyle Dugger? Ha! Sorry).
Early indicators show this defense could be elite, and this offense should be able to put up a reasonable 24 points. There’s no V8 engine here, but it’s got All-Wheel-Drive and great mileage!
Where luxury cars might turn out to be lemons, buyers know what they’re getting with a CR-V, and that counts for something when last year’s vehicle was a covered wagon drawn by two lost oxen.
Buffalo Bills
Patriots fans aren’t going to like this. Remember that Range Rover analogy a few graphs back? The 2023 Buffalo Bills aren’t quite there, but they’re a souped-up Ford Bronco Raptor with 37-inch tires. It’s probably matte orange, if that makes fans feel any better.
Josh Allen’s still the selling point here. The 27-year-old quarterback is built like a tank and has averaged over 4,400 passing yards in his last three seasons. That’s a V-6 right there!
Last year’s defense was already tremendous behind Jordan Poyer and Micah Hyde, but then they went and added Von Miller. They’re now spending the second-highest in the league against the cap on defense, but they’re ready to take on any Aaron Rodgers or Joe Burrow who gets in their way.
Consider Stefon Diggs the elite handling the new Bronco offers: advanced 4x4 that costs a lot but can take on any corner (this author’s soul left Earth while writing that line).
Apologies if the Bronco reference offended, or went over readers’ heads.
Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins are a bright yellow Ferrari SF90 Spider. Who plays linebacker? Who cares! They added Jalen Ramsey in the offseason! Besides, this thing is fast as hell. Look at Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle. That’s a V8 with three electric motors to look towards the future.
Weird coach? Who cares! This thing can go 0 to 65 in 2.5 seconds. It can reach 211 miles per hour!
Safety features? Well, it doesn’t have many advanced driver-assistance features and it hasn’t been that thoroughly tested by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Whatever, nerd.
Oh, and if it snows, you might be screwed.
New York Jets
The Jets are a 2010 Cadillac Escalade - used to look pretty cool, but now it just seems kind of irresponsible.
