Chad Dukes Shaves Face, Immediately Regrets It (And Rants Away)

Cover Image
Photo credit © Binu Omanakkuttan |

Chad Dukes came into work in a mood Thursday.

This morning I got up and I looked in the mirror, and for those of you that make fun of my beard, you have to understand I know that my beard is disgusting. It’s a pubic-hair beard. I’m embarrassed by it. I can’t grow a real man’s beard because I’m not a real man. I’ve got boobs, stretch marks — it’s just an abomination being me.

I’m tortured every second of every day. You’ve never met a sadder, more depressed, miserable person that just lashes out at everyone around him because of how upset he is in his own life.

Dukes, in a hilarious moment of supreme honesty, revealed precisely why he was in such a miserable mood.

In a moment of hysteria, I did the inconceivable. I shaved off all my facial hair, something that I have told everyone in my life to not do because they have double-chins and big, fat faces, when it is I that has the biggest double-chin and the biggest fat face.

So I shaved the beard off, and staring back at me in the mirror is a bloated cod of a dead-udder-of-a-milk-cow, vulgar, gross face, and it’s sitting there with no sunlight and no ability to attract women, and I just realized that the world would be better off if I threw myself off a cliff. And as I realize this, I walk out of the bathroom of my bedroom, and my wife walks into the bedroom, takes one look at me and runs down the hall, runs away, because it’s so much face coming at her in so brief amount of time and she wasn’t ready for it.
And then I’ve got to listen to her for the rest of the morning say how good I look, and how much younger I look, and how much weight it looks like I’ve lost, and I know those are all lies, because she’s a good person and I married a good person. I somehow buffaloed her as well. When the real truth of the issue was found, was derived from that initial reaction: come out of the bathroom without the beard; run down the hall. There was the truth of the response.
And because of that, I’m in a vulgar, hideous mood. And because of that, I’m fighting people on Twitter. I’m incapable of controlling my emotions like a true professional would. And I’m a hypocrite on top of that. And my clothes don’t fit because I’m so fat. That’s where I’m at today.

As always, better to listen.

Follow @ChrisLingebach and @1067TheFan on Twitter