With recent tragedies at the forefront of both national and Minnesota news, WCCO’s Roshini Rajkumar sits down with Family Therapist Todd Mulliken to explore how families can talk about these complex issues.
Rajkumar opens the show by asking Mulliken how we can “take in” the difficult headlines facing American families.
“I think we have to let the feelings, you know, let all the information land on us and take a breath,” Mulliken said.
He also emphasized the importance of “leaning in” to those around us and making sure we are communicating how we are feeling.
“Be quick to listen, slow to anger, slow to speak. And that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to be angry. We have every right to be angry and hurt. But are we being quick to listen, and quick to have bridge-building conversations?” asked Mulliken.
Rajkumar agreed with Mulliken that it was important to listen. She went on to ask about talking to a family member or friend we may disagree with.
“Let’s say there is a community member that isn’t agreeing with us. Or, a member of our family, and you’re clashing over these things that are happening around us,” Rajkumar said.
“Yeah, which is so common. It’s more of the norm than the exception,” said Mulliken. “Ideally, you know, we are trying to lead out well… we need to model that we aren’t leading out with an interrogation.”
Mulliken highlighted the importance of speaking by saying, “this is my perspective,” and asking what our acquaintance’s perspective is.
“It’s like you said if we are on the receiving end, and we feel like someone is coming at us, you know, emotionally, an attack or whatever, or even in a disagreement, it’s hard to not just react and push back. Or, feel the need to be right,” Mulliken said. “We want to get that last word in. We are still letting that feeling land and then doing what I call having a ‘clarifying conversation’ in that moment.”
Moving forward, Mulliken addresses the issue of ‘listening while defending’ in conversation. By clarifying our understanding of what others are saying, we can maintain ‘peace’ with each other during these heavy topics of conversation.
“Let’s talk about children for a moment. Young children, you know, fifteen and under, sixteen and under. Even much younger than that, are taking in these things or they’re feeling maybe some of the energy, negative or otherwise from their parents… how do we help our kids?” Rajkumar asked.
Mulliken said that it’s essential to recognize that kids do acknowledge what’s going on around them and often imitate the feelings of adults around them. It’s important to take a step back and ask ourselves, how am I modeling these conversations?
“It’s learning how to agree to disagree. It’s saying, I better make sure with my partner or spouse that I’m, you know, learning how to agree to disagree. Learning how to have peacemaking conversations,” said Mulliken.
Mulliken urges parents to talk with their older children and let them know that it’s okay to have a conversation. When children know there is security, they can process these bigger emotions. Once we can regulate our own emotions, we are then able to come ‘from a place of contentment and discuss with others.
“From my place of contentment, from my place of working through these issues and being a good critical thinker, that gives me the best chance to walk alongside someone,” Mulliken said. “Empathy is powerful.”