Have you ever been the object of another’s desire? Has someone been the object of your desire? In my experience as a matchmaker and date coach, desire is the elusive secret ingredient titillating dater’s interest. The caveat, desire can titillate interests until they’re twisted into objectives (e.g., sexual relations, securing a boyfriend/girlfriend status, marriage, children, a walking checklist, etc.). Thus, daters may become so fixated on their objectives that they lose sight of the thing that sparked their initial interest (you know, the other person on the date). So, what are the consequences of focusing on romantic objectives?
A dater’s vision can become blocked by their objectives. Consequentially, they are unable to see their way into a healthy relationship because they are too focused on the end result (the objective). Essentially, they forget the most important component; the process. Thus, their relationship status becomes the “Perpetual Single.”
The process is dating itself! I often inform my clients that dating is about the “I (e.g., What do I like? What do I want? What do I need?).” Dating is about discovery; not drudgery (you know, menial work to fulfill an objective). So—in 2020—object to dating drudgery to discover love.
Daters have extreme non-negotiables (e.g., I will only date someone between the ages of 30-35. They must be 6 ft. or taller. They must ski. They can’t be vegetarian.).
Daters generate hypotheticals as to why they shouldn’t go on a date (e.g., They don’t like sports; so, we don’t have similar lifestyles. All of their pictures are taken at the gym; they must be really into themselves. They use marijuana; they probably aren’t driven.).
Daters feel as if they “wasted their time” on a date if they were not physically attracted. Now, I would be an inadequate coach if I presented daters with barriers and provided no solutions. To that, I must object!
Compose a list of non-negotiables. Then, negotiate the point (with yourself or a confidant). If the point can be negotiated, remove it (e.g., I will date a 40-year-old if they still want children. I will date someone 5’10” if they have a larger build. The person must at least be open to learning how to ski or hang out in the lodge.).
It’s human nature to forecast; generate hypotheticals. Research supports that humans are fallible and biased. Daters should challenge their biases, expand their perceptions, and stop perceiving it an issue until it’s an actual issue (e.g., You like sports because you like to be active and enjoy healthy competition. Discover what they do to stay active; perhaps you both will enjoy hiking. Discover if they participated in extracurricular activities; maybe they enjoy the healthy competition of speech and debate.).
Wasting time is a choice. People take from life what they choose. Daters should shift their perception from first date to first assessment (e.g., Am I attracted physically? Am I attracted intellectually? Do I like this food? Is this a good restaurant for a future date? Could this person be a good match for a friend? Could we collaborate professionally?).
If the pheromones don’t fill the atmosphere, use the interaction to hone dating skills (sometimes it’s easier to practice flirting with someone when your nerves aren’t jolted by attraction). Always remember, it’s another human being sitting across the table. People don’t have to be physically attracted to be kind to one another. On occasion, it’s okay to consider what the other person might need; even if there is little to no romantic interest (e.g., a positive distraction or confidence boost).