Recently I have had a number of people, clients, friends and even colleagues talking about life with their young teenage daughters. Questions such as “where did my darling girl go?” “ Why does she think everything I do is wrong?” And even “Can I survive this?“.
Teenage girls can be difficult. Suddenly the adorable little girl who just wanted to be by your side insists she is grown up and wants you nowhere to be seen…unless of course she needs you for something. At those times her behaviors match those of a 5 or 6 year old child.Tears for no apparent reason, sudden laughter after a call or text from someone, a very messy room, preoccupation with friends and her phone can leave parents feeling frustrated, sad and out of control. Simple quirks that we all may have simply because we are human can drive some of our daughters right over the edge!
In order to become successful and independent adults teens actually need to reject and sometimes ridicule their parents. This can feel terrible and also confusing for parents and kids. They want to fly on their own but they are not yet ready. And, although it can be hard to actually like these girls sometimes, as parents, our job is to provide the unconditional love that helps them achieve autonomy as well as a strong sense of relatedness.
Because of cell phones, these young and very vulnerable girls often have no real safe spaces. Bullying, harassment and constant chatter move from school to house and even their bedrooms via electronics. Most teenagers today have a sense of never being alone and yet they are often extremely lonely. They worry excessively about body image and routinely feel ashamed when they see images of models on social media, tv and at the movies. Feelings of exclusion and rejection by peers are common. And to all of this we add the huge influx of hormones!
So, even though they may not do a great deal to encourage us to feel the love, love them we must! We must love them enough to set limits. In spite of their protests, without limits they are far more likely to fail and/or get hurt. Please insist that their phones be in a public place after a certain hour. Set a curfew. Don’t cave to co-ed sleepovers just because other parents might think they are cool. Assign chores and expect they will be done. And make sure you do give them your undivided attention without your own cellphone in your hand. They will model what we do…not necessarily what we say. Another very important point is to really listen to them. You may not be able to give them what they want, but feeling heard is really important. Validating their feelings allows them to feel you really “get them”.
One final suggestion…remember to laugh. A sense of humor will go a long way in helping you survive your daughter’s adolescence and allow her to grow into the kind of young adult who successfully achieves autonomy while forming healthy more mature relationships with you and others.
