Jarren Duran opens up on mental health issues
The widely-anticipated Netflix docuseries, "The Clubhouse: A Year with the Red Sox," is being released Tuesday. It is an eight-part following the 2024 club, offering a behind-the-scenes glimpse into the season while introducing many of those who went through eight months in revealing fashion.
It is, however, Episode 4 - titled "Still Alive" - that stands out from any of the others.
It is in that segment that Jarren Duran reveals his prior suicide attempt in the midst of mental health struggles during the outfielder's introduction to life a major league baseball player.
The episode largely focuses on Duran's evolution as a baseball player, going on to document his struggles throughout the end of 2021 and 2022 seasons. Signature moments during that span - such as misplaying a Raimel Tapia fly ball, resulting in an inside-the-park grand slam, or engaging in a back-and-forth with a fan in Kansas city two weeks later - are introduced during interviews involving the player and Netflix director Greg Whiteley.
“I’d go out to center and hear, ‘Go back to Triple A, you don’t belong here.' They didn’t know how hard I was trying," he said. "I couldn’t deal with telling myself how much I sucked every (expletive) day."
Ultimately, in the conversation with Whiteley back at the team hotel, Duran offers the previously unknown level that his struggles brought him to.
"I didn't want to be here anymore," Duran said. When asked by Whiteley if he meant with the Red Sox or on Earth, the outfielder said, "Probably both, that was a really tough time for me."
Duran went on to explain the specific moment the mental health struggles led him to an attempt on his life.
"I got to the point where I was sitting in my room, I had my rifle and I had a bullet, and I pulled the trigger and the gun clicked, but nothing happened,” he explained. “To this day, I think God just didn’t let me take my own life because I seriously don’t know why it didn’t go off. But I took it as a sign of like, ‘Alright, I might have to be here for a reason.’ So that’s when I started looking myself in the mirror, after the gun didn’t go off. I was like, ‘Alright, do I want to be here or do I not want to be here?’"
He goes on to say, "I looked myself in the mirror and I was like, ‘That happened for a reason. Obviously, you’re (expletive) here for a reason. So let’s (expletive) be the way you want to be, let’s play the way you want to play. Let’s live the way I want to live."
When asked by Whiteley if he had relayed this specific incident to his family, Duran relayed, "I don’t think I’ve told them the full extent like that,” he says. “I know I need to sit down with them and tell them the whole story. It’s just scary to me because I hate putting my parents through stuff like that. It’s hard to see them get upset when I tell them. It makes me feel like a bad person. I don’t want to burden other people with my problems."
Over the past couple of years, Duran has been open about his mental health struggles, religiously writing "(Expletive) 'Em" on the tape wrapped around one wrist, and "Still Alive" on the other as reminders regarding his ongoing battles with the negative thoughts.
"My inner demons don’t let me love myself or want to be proud of myself, that’s something I’m still working on," he would go on to say in the episode.
Duran has agreed to talk with the media about the docuseries prior to Tuesday night's game. Team president Sam Kennedy did, however, issue a statement regarding what will sure to be the most talked-about element of the Netflix project.
"Jarren’s decision to share his story is an act of courage that reaches far beyond baseball. By opening up, he’s showing others who may be struggling that they’re not alone and that asking for help isn’t just okay, it’s essential. Every member of this organization continues to stand with him. He has our deepest admiration, he’s always had our full support, and we’re incredibly fortunate to have him as part of our team."
An advanced copy of the docuseries was supplied to various media outlets, including WEEI.com.