Everywhere you turn there’s a mock draft of some kind that has your favorite team picking players for the future of their organization.
Big important day, right? Sure. But for the sake of fun, I'm going to mix it up. Let's mock the mock drafts. Get ready. It's going to be wild.
1. Jacksonville: It's the first pick of the Urban Meyer era in Jacksonville. But wait, he abruptly retires on the eve of the draft amid a scandal. (Meyer is no stranger to them.) So team owner Shad Kahn decides not to sell his yacht, and then decides to forego picking Trevor Lawrence. Instead he opts for another swimming pool installation at the Jaguars home stadium. They already have one pool, why not another?
2. New York Jets: In an effort to protect women from Governor Andrew Cuomo, the Jets draft every female in the state of New York.
3. San Francisco 49ers: Head coach Kyle Shanahan is too busy to make a selection because he’s still reflecting on the Falcons blowing a 28-3 halftime lead in the Super Bowl a few years ago against the Patriots. He was the Dirty Birds' offensive coordinator that season.
4. Atlanta Falcons: Speaking of the Dirty Birds, owner Arthur Blank calls Saints owner Gayle Benson for advice. After all, the Falcons are trying to be just like the Saints in every way. Blank takes Mrs. B’s advice and decides to change his home depot colors of orange and white to black and gold.
5. Cincinatti Bengals: Cincy is still so excited they landed franchise quarterback Joe Burrow last year with the No. 1 overall pick that they just pass on the pick. The Bengals have no clue what to do picking this late in the draft and don't want to make a mistake.
6. Miami Dolphins: Miami has more draft picks than any team, so what do they do? They call up Mike Ditka for a lesson in how to trade all of their picks so they can hit the golf course.
7. Detroit Lions: If you didn't watch coach Dan Campbell's press conference when he was hired, you won't get this joke. (If you haven't watched...please do. It's crazy.) The Lions turn in the card to the commissioner, and just before Roger Goodell heads for the podium, a Lions staffer bites Goodell's knee cap off and sends the event into a tailspin, delaying the NFL draft by two weeks.
8. Carolina Panthers: After trading for QB Sam Darnold, head coach Matt Rhule clearly doesn’t want Teddy Bridgewater back. The Panthers think their quarterback issues are solved but Teddy wasn’t the issue. Pretty soon they’ll be singing “A Bridge Over Troubled Water.”
9. Denver Broncos: The Broncos call and see if Drew Brees will come out of retirement and play for them. After all that's the only way Denver knows how to build a winner. (Remember Peyton Manning?) Too soon, Saints fans? Don't worry, Brees chuckles on the other end of the phone call with John Elway.
10. Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones uses the 10th pick in the draft to improve the massive replay screen in his stadium. The video board now can be seen from everywhere in the state of Texas, even if you’re not at the game.
11. New York Giants: The G-men select a high profile attorney to defend Governor Andrew Cuomo.
12. Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles propose canceling the draft, because several players might get picked lower than they wanted to and that would be offensive.
13. Los Angeles Chargers: The Bolts draft up another re-call letter for Governor Gavin Newsom. Even the Chargers are unhappy with how Newsom handled the pandemic in their state.
14. Minnesota Vikings: Coach Mike Zimmer drafts the '85 Bears defense after saying this last year about his own: "This is the worst defense I've ever coached."
15. New England Patriots: Rough year without Brady. The Sith Lord Bill Belichick uses the dark side of the force and creates a clone of Tom Brady. The only problem is the clone is more like the one in the movie Multiplicity. Tim Bradee (the clone) isn't very sharp and this clone is a QB disaster. To explain what happened, the Patriots bring in White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki.
16. Arizona Cardinals: Given the success of QB Kyler Murray as a short, 5-foot-9 quarterback, the Cardinals decide to pick me (5 feet, 8 inches) to play offensive line. They have a real affinity for short people. I better be careful. Some people might be offended by being called short. Not me or Randy Newman.
17. Las Vegas Raiders: The silver and black select comedian Frank Caliendo after team owner Mark Davis sees Caliendo's impersonation of coach Jon Gruden. Davis is so in love with Gruden that he wants everything in the organization to resemble his man crush.
18. Miami Dolphins: This is their second pick in round one. Yes, Mike Ditka got rid of this pick too. More golf!
19. Washington Football Team: Owner Dan Snyder drafts a stimulus check worth up to $6 billion dollars to upgrade his dump of a stadium.
20. Chicago Bears: Head coach Matt Nagy and GM Ryan Pace are so distraught that they passed on Patrick Mahomes three years ago that they slip into a deep depression and Mitchell Trubisky makes the selection for them. The Bears select a one-year starting QB out of North Carolina A&M named Michael Trubisky.
21. Indianapolis Colts: Indy is set at QB. What do they need? Oh I know, they call the White House and offer to draft a dog trainer for President Joe Biden's dog (Major) so he will quit biting White House staffers.
22. Tennessee Titans: The Titans get confused and draft Jack Leiter, Vanderbilt's ace pitcher hoping to convert him to their next QB.
23. New York Jets: In an effort to save folks in nursing homes during the pandemic, the Jets draft several assisted living homes facilities to protect them from Governor Cuomo.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers: I have a great idea for the Steelers. The black and yellow draft a helmet decal to put on the other side of the helmet.
(Yep, notice, they just have one.)
25. Jacksonville Jaguars: With their first pick in this round, the Jags drafted another swimming pool for their stadium. This time the Jacksonville drafts sun tan lotion so their fans in the pool don't get sunburned. Talk about a total waste of money, Jacksonville only has about three fans.
26. Cleveland Browns: Cleveland is hosting the draft again this year, so hey, why not draft better uniforms. I hate the Browns uniforms.
27. Baltimore Ravens: Coach John Harbaugh drafts his brother Jim Harbaugh before Michigan fires him as head coach.
28. New Orleans Saints: The Saints draft a new mayor for the City of New Orleans. This new mayor won't stay two weeks behind the state in relaxing pandemic mandates.
29. Green Bay Packers: After drafting Jordan Love to be the eventual successor to Aaron Rodgers, the Packer decide to draft a personality for Rodgers.
30. Buffalo Bills: The Bills draft more tables for the Bills Mafia to smash in the pre-game parking lot activities.
31. Kansas City Chiefs: Coach Andy Reid trades this pick for more Hawaiian shirts.
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Bucs draft a bunch of Kangol hats for head coach Bruce Arians.
