Bored & Pregnant: What NOT to say to a pregnant person

Bored and Pregnant PSA

Think boredom is a choice? Think again. We’re all searching for things to do while playing it COVID safe, but searching for things to do in a pandemic while pregnant presents a whole new set of challenges; a set that Allie Hartwick is ready to take on.

Generally, it’s best to never assume a person is pregnant. This rule of thumb can save you from a potentially mortifying situation. I, however, am at the stage of pregnancy that leaves little to the imagination, and any passerby knows with 99% certainty that I’m growing a little human.
That’s fine by me, I’m not keeping it a secret, nor do I feel like making the public announcement that yes, I am creating life, each time I walk into Target.
I do, however, want to make a public announcement regarding pregnant-lady comments.

Thankfully the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has prevented strangers from touching me or my very full uterus (yes, that’s what you’re stroking, my uterus), but it has not stopped anyone from sharing some… interesting observations.
I know almost all people mean well, but I encourage everyone to really ponder how their seemingly harmless words might be perceived by the one who’s got a roommate living inside their body at the time.
Here are just a few of the things I’m sure most pregnant people could happily go without hearing, forever.

1. Looks like you’re due tomorrow!
Listen, I know, I’m huge. Every day when I have to fat-ninja my way out of bed and pull on pants large enough to clothe a family of four, I’m reminded of just how large I am.
I’ve actually developed tendonitis in my wrists from pushing my body up off the couch.
And lucky me, I've got MANY weeks left at this massive size.
Yes, I am fairly certain I’m not due tomorrow, as I am counting down the days until I no longer have to haul around another person in my very sore pelvis.
I get it, I look a lot different these days, and if you don’t know me at all, I absolutely look nothing like your average non-pregnant person (excluding, of course, the demographic of men with impressive beer bellies), but you don’t have to remind me of that. I know.

2. You sure it’s not twins?
Yep, pretty sure. I’ve gotten a good look at my insides several times now, and some of those viewing opportunities were pretty invasive. If you aren’t already aware, let me be the first to tell you that the initial ultrasound, the one where they look for twins, does not happen externally. I know, on whatever sitcom you got all your pregnancy info from, they swooshed a litter scanner around her midsection, and there was the fetal blob, but in real life, this appointment involves a large wand, a latex barrier and a LOT of lube. I know your ability to size up my overall growth from a few feet away is probably way more reliable than any dumb ultrasound, but there’s just one kid in there, me and my doctor promise.

3. Are you thinking about kid #2?
I’m still pretty preoccupied with the first one, but I guess I’ll let you know? This question has always baffled me. I think people just like to ask about life stages and milestones in general, but I feel like asking about a second child before I’ve even finished the first is a bit presumptuous. What if this kid is a demon and I’m turned off the idea of ever creating another monster? What if labor is the bloodbath horror show I fear it will be and I’m forever traumatized? Who knows, maybe I’ll like it so much I become like those people on TV who have a classroom’s worth of children. All of these things are possibilities I suppose, but maybe wait a bit to ask about my thoughts on more children. Ideally, hold on to that one forever, but at least until the first one’s here would be polite.

4. I could tell because your face/butt/boobs looked different.
Everyone wants to feel like the Sherlock Holmes of pregnancy; able to detect a person who is with child before anyone else suspects. Good for you, you cracked the case! I figured it out when I peed on a stick and started barfing everywhere, but it’s nice to know you are observing my body and my actions so keenly that something like this couldn’t slip past you! Also, going back to number one on this list: I am SUPER aware that my body is changing, it’s not necessary for you to let me know that you’ve noticed it too.

5. Should you be eating/drinking that?
Thank whatever deity you pray to that no one has asked me this particular question, but I know it’s a common one.
Good luck finding a consistent set of rules on what you can/can’t have while pregnant. A nutritionist I follow on instagram puts it best, no one food or drink is 100% safe or unsafe during pregnancy, and doctors agree.