Think boredom is a choice? Think again. We’re all searching for things to do while playing it COVID safe, but searching for things to do in a pandemic while pregnant presents a whole new set of challenges; a set that Allie Hartwick is ready to take on.
Last week, I peed on my husband’s foot.
I’m sure you have a lot of questions, I’ll try to answer them.
No, I did not pee on the floor, no I was not aiming, and no, it isn’t some kind of weird sex thing.
Here’s how it went down.
My husband's feet were cold, and as we all know, mild discomfort for the average man is a near death experience. To avoid probable frostbite in our well-heated home, he tucked his tootsies under my butt while we were doing our daily Netflix binge. Huge mistake, especially during allergy season. A particle of stray pollen found its way to my nose, resulting in a massive sneeze, and a little accident on my part. Had his feet been anywhere else, I would have done what I usually do, wipe down the leather couch and change my pants. This time, it was one less step for me, and a massive overreaction from him. You don’t want pee on your feet, keep ‘em away from urine ground zero.
I feel relatively no shame over this incident as I have a rapidly growing baby pushing on my bladder 24/7. Pee happens, and for me, it happens a lot. If by chance, I’m in a bathroom when it does, well that’s just grand, but I can’t count on that happy occurrence. Pee can, and will happen absolutely anywhere when pregnant.
It will happen in your car, or when you’re sitting at the bar.
It can happen at your house, it can happen on your spouse.
For those of you with the knee-jerk reaction to offer advice, I am well aware that a strong pelvic floor can stop accidents from happening. I’m working on it, I know the exercises, I do barre and pilates, and I hope a day with completely dry underwear is in my near future.
But that day is certainly not today.
Nor was it yesterday, or the day before.
I’ve had to get a bit clever when it comes to hiding the evidence of a sneeze or cough gone wrong, because this has been happening for a few months now.
I’ve found great comfort in a clip from the 90’s comedy classic, Billy Madison.
So this Miles Davis has taken to wearing ultra-absorbent underwear and stashing clean pairs in my car, purse, and most importantly, office.
As I discussed last week, I like to dress for work, even while pregnant and very uncomfortable. Dresses and skirts are great for the office, and for the increasing daily temp, but they can be very tricky to disguise an unfortunate pee situation in.
I learned my lesson in the importance of stashing spare undies at work the hard way.
One morning, I was minutes away from a weekly meeting with the man in charge (who does read this blog and I’m sure is going to looooove this story), when a tickle began to build deep in my sinuses. I knew a big-ass sneeze was coming, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it. In a hasty attempt to put less baby-related pressure on my bladder, I leaned into my chair, arched my back, and crossed my legs for good measure. None of that stopped the explosion of pee I didn’t know I was holding onto from flooding my skirt.
I’m minutes away from a meeting and faced with very few options.
I could ditch my undies, go to the meeting commando, risk a Basic Instinct type situation, and likely get fired for cinematic sexual harassment. The scene didn’t work out well for Sharon Stone and her career, there’s no way it ends better for me.
Or, option two (of two). I could try to dry off my underwear and skirt in the high-powered hand dryer in the women’s bathroom, and hope to all things holy that no one walks in on me in this compromising situation.
Surprisingly, the hand dryers were really efficient! I can’t speak to the hygienic elements of this debacle, but you do what you gotta do when you’ve got an outfit full of your own urine. If you work with me, know that I have dried multiple articles of clothing, as well as my hair in those dryers. Air-blast your hands at your own risk.
As far as I know, this whole wet-skirt situation went unnoticed, but here I am, telling my own secrets!
After this wild and stressful morning, I began keeping spare pairs of clean underwear in my desk drawers. I also bought a few pairs of the period panties you may have seen advertised on social media. They absorb all fluids pretty well, but they definitely feel fairly diaper-like. It takes some getting used to, but if you can’t risk an unfortunate release, they may set your mind and bladder at ease.
While some of this chat may be considered too much information, none of which was asked for, I know there are a lot of women out there who have been there, done that. Pee happens. We need that bumper sticker so we can all feel less wet and alone.
If you’ve got any other fool-proof accident hacks, I’m all ears! Unless, of course, you’re going to suggest kegels. I KNOW. Get your superior pelvic control out of here.
Allie and the babe, both of whom need diapers.