Dear Matt,
My sister will be sentenced next month (at minimum five years but more likely a decade) due to grand theft auto and larceny. She will leave behind three kids aged 14, 12, and 10. My sister’s kids are quite aware of their mother’s behaviors and the prison situation.
The problem is that my sister is assuming and preparing for me to become the surrogate parent, but Matt I can’t do it. I work so many hours at my demanding job, I do not have the house space, and I don’t have any maternal instincts. I love my nephews and niece, but I don’t think I’m able to give them the attention they need. Does this make me a bad person? What are some of my options?
-Sister Sister
Dear Sister Sister,
This is a tough situation for multiple reasons and I’m sorry you’re experiencing it. My first thought is about who else in your family is available? Perhaps your parent(s), the parent(s) of the children’s father’s side? See if you could explore options so that the children can stay within the family. That should be the first step before exploring other situations.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, and this might be a perfect example where members of your family step in to help. Maybe you don’t have the time or skill to be a 24/7 surrogate parent, but perhaps you can afford a day or two a week? This is a way of sharing the work and keeping your nephews and nieces in the family. I do believe the courts will want someone to share the brunt of the responsibility though, so there needs to be someone who takes up a chunk of the labor and the full-on responsibility.
As for the guilt you have regarding this decision, I think you are smart for realizing that you would not be able to meet the demands. It’s better to be clear with your limitations, both for your sake and the children’s sake. These children are not your responsibility — they were your sister’s responsibility. And while you can love your nephews and nieces, it is okay that you are not ready or able to meet the demands of your sister’s responsibility.
That being said, these children are going to need love and support. They’re growing up as teenagers in a modern world with a mother who set a bad example. These kids need structure and support more than ever! I hope someone in the family can provide that and I hope you can provide a bit of your time, love, and energy.