Buffalo, N.Y. (WBEN) - "This isn't a year later for me, this is my every day. Every day is just as hard as the first."
Fragrance Harris Stanfield has not returned to work at the Tops on Jefferson Avenue in Buffalo or to her teaching position since the day of the horrific, racially-motivated mass murder on May 14, 2022, which claimed the lives of 10 Black people and left three others injured.
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"I personally do not go to the store, I don't like to be near it, around it, in front of it, or in the facility whatsoever."
Stanfield's daughter was working in the store with her on that devastating day. Her daughter has since returned to work, but the psychological, mental and physical distress still remain in the minds and bodies of the survivors.
"Our lives have completely changed. They've been broken, damaged and destroyed from the lives that we had before. We've had to learn how to live again, a completely different life than [we] had before. It hasn't been the easiest thing, and the sad thing is, a lot of people really don't understand it," said Stanfield.
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Stanfield says that some of her fellow colleagues have decided to switch stores or leave the job altogether. However, some went back, as they attempted to make a return to normalcy.
"They just wanted to try to have it resemble their life before this happened as much as possible and it's just a way to try and heal."
Stanfield says while it may have worked to varying levels of success, some who still work at the grocery store are now being harassed by customers in the store.
"They [customers] realize that people were murdered there. Some people are not comfortable with it being open. They will say things like, 'How does it feel to walk on people's graves every day?' and things like that. So we're constantly retraumatized as survivors who are just trying to find a way to live our lives."
The store was remodeled and reopened following the massacre. Stanfield says that didn't change much for most people, especially the survivors.
"I'm sure it helps the psyche in some ways, because you're looking at something different. However, it's still the same place. So you're going to be brought back to those thoughts at some point."
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Stanfield says one of her biggest frustrations is the society's lack of understanding and acknowledgement.
"Last year, I literally was hunted down and somebody tried to kill me. They attempted to murder me. That has not been acknowledged by the majority of society. It's not acknowledged by the criminal justice system. It's not acknowledged by a lot of people who like to harass me about whether or not I should be considered a survivor. I am a survivor. I literally was present and ran for my life. So it's not a feeling thing."
The Tops on Jefferson will be closed on May 14. Stanfield says that is the right decision.
Even though the gunman has received several life sentences, Stanfield also believes that the gunman was not charged for all of his crimes. There should be separate counts for all those he unsuccessfully attempted to murder.
"He's only being charged one count for the 100+ survivors that he attempted to murder. It should go on record that it's not okay for someone to come into a community, terrorize people and create a domestic war on our soil with civilians, and then only be charged for some of their crimes and not all of them."
Stanfield says she is unsure when she will make a return to work at Tops or her career as a teacher.
"For me, it's extremely stressful, physically, especially mentally, psychologically and it causes a lot of delays in my days. So I don't get to live a regular day. And I wouldn't even consider any of those possibilities until I get better."
Stanfield says the City of Buffalo needs do more for the 5/14 survivors.
"I think that there should be more consideration for us. I think the millions and millions of dollars that are coming into the City of Buffalo from the state and from the federal government need to be directed towards us and our well being. I think that a lot of the underlying conditions that cause something like this to even be a possibility to occur should be addressed," said Stanfield.
"The focus needs to be put where it belongs. And that's on survivors getting us back to where we need to be so that we can live. We've only been surviving this whole time. We've been in survival mode this entire time and we should be allowed to find a way to live again. We need help with that."