In addition to being one of the most decorated pass-catchers in NFL history (his 1,228 career catches are the fourth-most ever), former Cowboys and Raiders tight end Jason Witten has also been an incredibly reliable source of unintentional humor, from wearing one of the most obvious toupees in recent memory on Monday Night Football (where his bland analysis also made him the butt of jokes) to his laughable 5.3 yards per reception last season. Needless to say, when Witten came up in conversation Monday on The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz, Le Batard and the gang had plenty of fun at the 39-year-old’s expense.
“He could do it [for the rest of his life]. We’ve said it before, he could trail a dialysis machine out there and still get you three catches for two yards,” said Le Batard from his South Beach studio in Miami.
“Do you think he gets out of bed in the morning and runs a button hook before he brushes his teeth?” asked producer Chris Cote, noting Witten’s affinity for short hitches over the middle.
“It is somebody breaking through rust like a porpoise breeches the surface,” joked Le Batard, imagining Witten’s labored attempts at getting out of bed after 17 excruciating seasons of NFL wear-and-tear. The on-air roast of Witten (who, as Le Batard noted, did not avoid a single tackle during his recent 16-game run with Las Vegas) continued, eventually culminating in a bit with executive producer Mike Ryan acting out Witten’s morning routine while another member of the show’s “Shipping Container,” Chris Wittyngham, read aloud the 11-time Pro Bowler’s game log from last season.
Witten totaled a paltry 69 receiving yards in his NFL swan song, submitting a season-high of 21 yards (accomplished against Cleveland in Week 8) while gaining 10 or more yards on just three of his 13 catches. A catch-and-fall artist of the highest order, Witten’s weary legs carried him to some truly amazing stat lines, including a one-catch, zero-yard dud against the Chargers, followed two weeks later by a similarly anemic 1-1-1 performance in a loss to Kansas City. Playing out his NFL twilight as a scarcely-used backup to starter Darren Waller (who led the Raiders in every major receiving category including yards, touchdowns and catches), Witten looked every bit like a player on his last legs, leaking oil like an ancient, gasping pickup truck with a busted muffler.
“He unfolds in a way that creeks slowly and comes with a lot of human sound at the bottom of the guttural track,” said Le Batard through tears of laughter. “But he will be ready Week 9 to run a button hook for some playoff contender that needs three catches for two yards in the red zone.”
Witten’s athleticism—not that he had much to begin with—certainly faded late in his career, though it’s hard to argue his place in Cowboys lore, retiring as Dallas’ all-time leader in catches (1,215), yards (12,977) and games played (255). Rather than returning to the broadcast booth, Witten will move to the coaching circuit this fall, serving as head coach of Liberty Christian School in Argyle, Texas, a suburb of Fort Worth.
LISTEN on the Audacy App
Sign Up and Follow Audacy Sports
Facebook | Twitter | Instagram