A few weeks ago, my 10-year-old said he was taking a shower and going to bed early so he could wake up and help our daughter with her homework. He said that we both had a lot of work to do, and he didn't want us to stress. That broke our hearts.
He doesn't talk a lot about what's going on, but his words speak volumes.
He is the kid who internalizes all his feelings. He hasn't shown much emotion in the last few weeks, but we know he is stressed and hurting, too. He is a kid who lives and breathes sports. Unable to watch or play games, he is possibly experiencing the biggest void out of anyone in our house.
He gets his school work done with no arguing. The other 22 hours of the day seem to drag along for him.
He's also obsessed with the suit that we bought him after we cancelled our vacation. He's worn it twice already. All. Day. He asked if he could wear it on the first day back to school. I told him from day one that I didn't think that was happening, but if he got to go back this year he could wear his suit every day.
He just wants to see his friends. He just wants to play baseball. He has been asking to play catch every night and was SO excited to show me how he's changed his stance so that his pitches are going right down the middle. And he just wants to suit up for school.
Then, last Thursday, I broke the news that there would be no school. Our district shared the news that the kids would not be going back this year. My son's hopes of seeing his friends, his teachers, and running through the halls for 5th grade graduation were dashed. His eyes welled up as he fought back tears. He said he wanted to skip dinner, go straight to sleep, and stay in bed all day.
I didn't yell at him, but I told him that I understood and that it was okay to feel sad and depressed. I also told him some of the things I do to help me feel better each day, like getting outside and walking every day. I asked him if he would walk or ride bikes with me. He said no, but I said I would keep asking.
The next day he DID get out of bed, and he got on a Zoom call with his class. I could hear him laughing from the other room while I was busy with work. I told him I was happy to hear him laugh. Then he said he wanted to ask me something.
He doesn't talk a lot about what's going on, but when he wants to talk I drop EVERYTHING.
He asked if we could go on a bike ride, just the two of us, first thing Saturday morning.
Of course.
We took a course we had never ridden before to avoid crowded streets. Some of the hills looked daunting but we made it up each one and talked about how great it would feel to coast down them on the way back.
Before we circled back we sat down on a bench and ate breakfast. We talked about what we each were missing, but I also told him what I love about this time. I love getting to give him and his sister a hug every morning, as I'm always out the door before they're awake. I love eating dinner as a family every night, as we were used to eating in the car on the way to basketball, baseball, and swimming. I also told him about I am trying to focus on helping other people who are having a tough time. It's okay to have a tough time with all of this - none of us have every been through anything like this - but helping other people during this time can help us, too.
We are all grieving over what we have lost. We are forever changed. But my hope is that this time transforms all of us into something greater.
Some days are easier than others. Showing up is a monumental task. But sometimes it's as easy as dropping everything and listening to those quiet voices.
Those quiet, scared voices.
Let's suit up today for them.
- Jen Myers