Divorce rates are at an all time HIGH, and the seeds of divide often come following hurt feelings or dashed expectations. When they are not exposed or acknowledged, these problems fester and grow to lead to many relationships falling apart.
Here are some common things, and SOLUTIONS, that lead couples to DIVORCE...
1. You work against each other.
a. You say things like, "he always..." or "she never..." and demonize your partner seeing them as the opposition.
b. You have the same fight repeatedly without resolution or compromise, you are probably polarizing.
c. You loop on a story of how your partner is harming you.
Solution:
If you are polarizing, work harder to understand your spouse’s perspective and meet them halfway. My aunt always said, "a good relationship is one where each person gives 150 percent." Expecting to only ever be comfortable in relationships means you’ve got some emotional work to do.
2. You don't communicate with each other about your needs and feelings.
a. You often start sentences with: “You should…”, “Why can’t you…”, “I can’t believe you just said/did that.” (anything critical or attacking)
b. You feel resentful toward your spouse much of the time.
c. You often think, “S/he should know that bothers me.” Or, “Can’t s/he see what I need?”
Solution:
Learn new phrases to say and start sentences with requests or invitations. “Can you help me ________?” Or,“How about if we _________?” Anytime you say “we” instead of “you,” it feels inclusive.
Also, let your spouse know early, and in a kind way, that something they are doing isn’t working for you. If you keep your feelings to yourself and allow the emotion to build, you’re more likely to have a fight.3. You've stopped spending time together.
a. You don’t want to spend as much time with your spouse anymore.
b. You believe it’s easier to avoid a difficult discussion.
c. You'd agree that you're like two ships in the night.
Solution:
When you feel the divide starting (or even after it has taken root) intervene. Let your spouse know that you want to reconnect and take steps to do that. This is where therapists and relationship coaches can be helpful. Remember that you don’t have to—and, in fact, may not be able to—figure this out on your own.
4. You began to see the solution to your problems outside of the marriage.
a. You daydream about how great life would be if you were single or in a new/different relationship.
b. You get overly busy at work, you find a new hobby that takes you away from home more, or worse, you develop an addiction to food, alcohol, pain killers, spending money, TV, etc.
c. You start an emotional affair with someone and become what I call, "affair-ready."
Solution:
Running from or avoiding your pain doesn’t make it go away. In fact, it can make things worse. Commit to dealing with your relationship head on. If there’s something that can be done to make things better, commit to doing that. If you need to move on from the partnership, be honest with yourself and your partner and take steps to move on.
5. You do not seek help.
a. You’d rather divorce than go to therapy.
b. You tell yourself, “Things will get better when ___________ happens,” and you keep doing the same old same old.
c. Your relationship is in a crisis.
Solution:
Get help and professional support as soon as you can. If finances are keeping you from reaching out, investigate the numerous 12-step or self-help resources that are out there. Many of these programs are held remotely so there’s no reason to not take advantage.
At the Crossroads
If you're at a crossroads with your marriage, ask yourself if your spouse is on your team, if you are honest with each other, if you spend quality time together, if you turn toward your marriage for solutions, and if you have asked for help.
Intervening on any one of these spots can make the difference between whether or not your marriage will survive.
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